Obama to Hire Cue Card Holders to Boost Employment Figures
Shawna Collins, 16, and Tara Michaels, 14, prepared cue cards for Obama's recent speech to the UN with magic markers and colored pencils.
By Garrett Baldwin
WASHINGTON—In an effort to stem rising unemployment figures, President Barack Obama has given his teleprompter the boot and will hire cue card holders for all planned speeches in the near future.
“This is a perfect opportunity for people with outstanding handwriting and the ability to stand idle for long periods of time,” said White House spokesman Jay Carney. “The President is very serious about job creation, and we’re starting right here in the White House.”
Following the President’s recent job speech, he conducted a test run where three new employees held cue cards. The President read the cards, and with a simple hand gesture, signaled that it was time to change cards. The speech required an extra 46 minutes to conduct, and on several occasions the cards were flipped upside down. “It doesn’t matter if it works… the only thing that matters is jobs, jobs, jobs, ” said Minority House Leader Nancy Pelosi.
The move is also a direct concession to union leaders who argue that technology innovation has destroyed middle class jobs by inputting machines where middle-class Americans once worked.
“Technology has completely destroyed jobs,” said Teamsters’ leader Jimmy Hoffa. “We can’t keep replacing workers with machines just because it’s cost-efficient to some corporation… I mean, we should get rid of ATMs, and just have people on the street corner with backpacks full of cash to meet customer needs… We should get rid of vending machines, and buy our drinks directly from union-run lemonade stands… We should get rid of GPS machines and iPhones, since there’s plenty of gas stations that can offer directions… there’s plenty of paper cups and strings made by hard-working Americans who need jobs.”
Applications will be available on WhiteHouse.gov on Monday morning. It is expected that with union benefits, cue card holders will receive an annual salary of $350,000.
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Posted by Garrett Baldwin
on Dec 29 2011. Filed under Administration.
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