U.S. Taxpayers to Pay Off $154 Trillion Bank Debt by Auctioning Bankers

At this dark hour, a young girl named Jane Swift has come up with a modest proposal; it entails “auctioning off the fattest bankers” so they can be sold abroad for their spare parts. “We can’t really sell them on the black market,” she explains, citing that their “lack of actual labor experience” and weak hearts “would make them lousy slaves.”

Instead, she recommends that we draw, quarter, and then stew them. “That way, we preserve their body parts and then sell them off to the highest bidders in every nation. Just think, if their ‘units’ and their ‘arms’ are large enough to hide $75 trillion, how much more will we get for their bulbous bellies! I get teary-eyed thinking of how many hungry people could be fed by just one fat bastard.”

Miss Swift believes that the nutritional content of these bankers, who are used to dining on the best of gourmet fare, would far exceed the nutritional value present in most prepackaged food today. “It’s really a win-win situation; we get rid of the problem while paying for the problems they created. And just to be sure that there’s enough supply to pay off the debt, we should include all the legislators and lobbyists that got just as fat.”

When asked what she thought the bankers would say to her proposal, she replied, “I’m sure they won’t mind being sacrificed this time. I mean, trading them like commodities is probably the way they’d want to go. It’s in their blood. They’ll understand.”

Photo courtesy of DeeIllustration.com

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