New Hamshire Primary Gives a Disappointing, Rational Argument
By Peter Coburn
GOFFSTOWN — With the 2012 Republican Primary moving to New Hampshire, many have expected the entertaining trend of political throat cutting to continue. When January 7th came around and the candidates stood on stage at Saint Anselm College, they remained surprisingly civil, repeatedly passing on opportunities to strike at each other.
“What the f*ck!” said George Stephanopoulos, who moderated the debate. “The only reason I took this job was because I expected these savages to rip each other to pieces. I wanted to see blood. What did I get? Rational arguments!”
Heading into the debate, it was expected that many of the candidates would use this as an opportunity to attack lead candidate Mitt Romney.
“Those little pussies couldn’t do it,” said Diane Sawyer, co-moderator of the debate. “Those jackasses were afraid to attack Romney because of the more moderate voting base in New Hampshire. You alienate Romney, you can piss off the voting base. We don’t need a candidate that’s afraid to ruffle feathers. We need a candidate that’ll kick you in the nuts and steal your lunch money.”
The Washington Fancy later found Stephanopoulos still whining about the debate. “Is Jon Huntsman a Chinese communist? I don’t know, but I want to hear people accuse him of it. Did Ron Paul write racist articles in the 90s? Probably not, but use the accusation to destroy his career. Just do it, it’s the American way.”
It is possible that the candidates were constantly using subtle and passive aggressive comments the whole debate, so hard to notice that TV audience didn’t realize it. At one point Huntsman responded to a comment in Mandarin, a comment which has yet to be translated.
“I have no idea what Huntsman said,” said Sawyer. “No one else does either. If I were to guess, I would bet that he said something about kicking Romney’s ass in the parking lot after the debate. After we finish here, I’m going outside to see if it happens.”
After the debate had finished, reporters caught up to Romney in the parking lot for further questioning.
“I don’t know why we’re even doing this,” said Romney. “Everyone knows I’m going to win the primaries. This is a waste of time. I’m the only one elect-”
Romney’s speech was cut short when Huntsman stuck him in the back of the head with a folding chair.