Tobacco Companies Withdraw Support for Perry After Finding Out He Doesn’t Support Giving Cancer to Children
By J. Gordon Witte
RICHMOND, VA — At an emergency meeting of the major tobacco companies, it was agreed that all the slush money that had been donated to shell PACs and activist organizations for Rick Perry would be withdrawn following the most recent Republican presidential debate.
The key issue for companies like Phillip Morris, Universal Corporation and other tobacco companies was the recent discovery that Perry had supported a mandatory HPV inoculation for young girls to prevent cervical cancer. Although preventing the spread of a horrible cancer among adolescent girls was considered an affront to the Constitution, freedom, liberty, and apple pie by the other candidates, Perry refused to apologize for his actions.
“We just can’t understand why Perry would be so against the growth of malignant tumors in the cervixes of young women. If he’s so against cancer, than he can kiss our money goodbye. There are plenty of other Republicans who won’t bat an eye at the thought of cancerous lesions appearing on the insides of Americans across this great nation. Cancer is basically patriotic, an American pastime,” said a spokesman for Phillip Morris.
Liberals are now confused about whom to focus their righteous and pretentious ire against. F. Theodore Steinhold, a patrician financier with connections to various Unitarian/Universalist charities and a friend of Sean Penn and Alec Baldwin, said that, “We were all set to hate on Perry, seeing as he’s essentially a reincarnation of George W. Bush, but now that he supports girls not getting HPV, it’s a much more uncertain thing. It’s like he’s actually a person who cares for people. We thought he was just a Republican.”