Debbie Wasserman Doll Disappoints This Christmas Season

By: Garrett Baldwin

Target Corporation’s renegade gamble on introducing children to partisan politics has officially tanked.

Target reported on Tuesday that sales of its limited edition “Little Debbie Democrat” Cabbage Patch doll only sold 14 of the 5,000 manufactured this past holiday shopping season.

The talking doll, which features ten partisan attacks against Republicans and a mysterious silver spoon, was the first of its political kind. The “Little Bureaucrats” product line was aimed at teaching children aged three to six how to be a better partisan hack when they grow up.

“We think it’s important that children reach their political identities by first grade,” said manufacturer Bill Walston. “They might not be able to add or multiply at that age, but I think it’s constructive for them to start having serious conversations in the class room about budgetary procedures and recess appointments. Apparently, John Q. Consumer thought differently.”

Sales lagged after parents were unsure if it were too soon for their children to start engaging in the national debate. “[My son] is six. He should be playing video games and lighting cats on fire, not doing something reckless like working for Congress,” said Ed Huxley, a data analyst from Chicago.

Some parents were more concerned about the doll’s accessories and its spoken content.

“Who knows where that spoon has been,” said Catherine Walbash, a mother of three from St. Cloud, Minn. “Besides. I already spent eight hours a day listening to my idiot coworker babbling on and on about George Bush. The last thing I need is my daughter spouting off talking points from the DNC.”

Other dolls planned were Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Dick Cheney, and Ron Paul. The Washington Fancy obtained a copy of the Paul doll, which featured iconic campaign lines when the doll’s string is pulled. “Audit the Fed!” the doll screams.

As of today, the product line has been put on hold. The dolls are unlikely to hit shelves this election year.

But Congresswoman Wasserman-Shultz stated that the manufacturer should keep them in inventory until after the 2012 election. “Democrats are in a fight to take back the House of Representatives. Once we have a full majority again, we’ll be able to sell these terrific dolls,” said Wasserman-Schultz. “Congress can always pass a mandate requiring that everyone has to buy one of these. If we can do it with healthcare, we can do it with dolls.”

A complete list of statements made by the “Little Debbie Democrat” doll is listed below.

Pull Debbie’s String To Hear What She Says

The following is a complete list of the ten incredible political statements the doll makes when you pull her string!

“We need more civil dialogue out of Americans…”

“The TEA Party is racist.”

“People should back up their political attacks with facts.”

“Republicans want to kill your Nana, little girl.”

“Only you can stop George Bush.”

“George Bush is the reason you have to eat hot dogs with a knife and fork for dinner.”

“When I grow up, I want to marry a beta male.”

“President Barack Obama makes the sun shine brighter and cupcakes taste better!”

“Republicans want you to die before the age of 10.”

“Your bicycle is really pretty… Can the government have it?”

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