Parliament Blames “Less ridiculous accents” for Fall of British Empire
By J. Gordon Witte
LONDON – A yearlong study commissioned by the ruling Conservative Party has found that a steep decline in the “ridiculousness and incomprehension” of the British accent is directly linked to declining fortunes for the once-mighty British Empire.
John Cosgrove, a senior Tory MP, spoke before the House of Commons to present the findings of the committee. Struggling with a recently-acquired Cornish accent, Cosgrove began controversially, stating, “As we all know, empires rise and fall because of the virility of the nation they stem from. Accents are an integral part of this.”
Continuing the point further, Cosgrove said that, “This commission looked long and hard at all key aspects of British culture. Our bad teeth, our ability to wait in queues for hours, our love of reality TV and American trash consumerism, pompousness, arrogance, self-inadequacy, slight effeminacy, and a general feeling that the word ‘proper’ should be used in every other sentence. None of these are enough to justify the conquest of half the world by a race of men living on a rainy island in the corner of Europe.”
“It is the variations of accents on our little isle – Welsh, Scottish, Midlands, Uplands, Scouse, Cornish, Yorkshire, Georgie, and many others, that have truly determined the Imperial destiny of Britain. Scottish brogue barked out in Bangladesh, the Welsh lilt drifted across Swaziland, and Liverpuddlian Scouse skittered through Hong Kong. And let’s not forget the fantastically pompous and self-important aristocratic accent – that was critical in building the Officer Corps into the finest the world has seen. These are men capable of trimming their muttonchops and handlebar mustaches in the middle of a battle with tribal warlords or French regulars! Simply fantastic!”
The commission has utilized recent linguistic evidence about the merging and calming of British accents, and traced changes in the Empire to that of various British accents. Arguing the case to be rock solid, Mr. Cosgrove ended his report with the recommendation that all loyal and patriotic Britons should seek ways to make their own dialect less understandable and fill it with even greater quirks and confusion. He ended the presentation with a garbled, mongrel accent – clearly practiced – warning, “Well ‘cor, if we canna do that, we canna even keep North Ireland Bri’ish.”