Russia Tries to Unconventionally Boost Economy by Exporting More Hot Tennis Players
MOSCOW–In a situation echoed by many other nations, the Russian Federation is trying to combat economic troubles by increasing its exportation of hot tennis players.
Tennis commentator Ralph Norrington is credited for noticing the trend. He writes, “Ever since Anna Kournikova became a world icon in the early 2000s, the world has begun to lean toward Russian athletes. Not because they are especially good, but because they’re so good-looking.”
Economist Jack Lenning sees this influx of hot Russians as a problem. “America simply cannot afford to keep importing these hotties,” said Lenning on his personal blog. “The cost of having Maria Sharapova alone costs us $40 million a year. What happened to the good old days when we would produce our own tennis playing hotness? What happened to the days of Gussie Moran, or Tracy Austin? We were independent then. Who do we have today, the Williams twins and whom else?”
Yuri Brezhnev, a tennis instructor in Moscow, revealed some of his country’s secrets; “We do it the same way that the Soviet Union used to train the KGB. We put candidates through a rigorous testing for sexiness and maybe even tennis ability. Only the smokin’ hot girls have a chance of making it though.”
Washington Fancy reporter and self-proclaimed tennis export Gerald Lobousky had his own take on the situation. While watching a tennis match featuring Olga Poutchkova, Lobousky said, “Ooh, bouncy.” When asked if Coburn took issue with objectifying the bodies of female athletes, Lobousky replied, “I’ll take issue with her body.”
By Peter Coburn