Nancy Pelosi Distraught Over Collapsing Hot or Not Rating
WASHINGTON- Former Speaker of the House and current Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi did not report to work on Friday, citing personal reasons. Sources close to the former speaker said she called in sick after recently discovering that her rating on HotorNot.com had fallen by a full point and a half overnight.
It was a stunning development, as Ms. Pelosi’s rating had been hovering somewhere near 6.4 on Wednesday. By Thursday evening, the rating had plummeted below “5” for the first time since 2002. HotorNot.com is an online website that allows users to post their pictures onto the web and have strangers rate the attractiveness of the user on a scale of 1 to 10. While Pelosi’s sudden drop has been attributed to an ill-advised fashion sense by every evening program on Fox, CNN and MSNBC, the Minority leader’s team accused Republicans of conducting a heartless attack against her.
“This is clearly a right-wing conspiracy,” said John Lawrence, the Congresswoman’s Chief of Staff. “Instead of focusing on jobs, jobs, jobs, Republican Members of Congress are sitting at their desks all day and sabotaging Mrs. Pelosi’s attractiveness score by clicking “1” whenever her picture pops up.”
Republican leader John Boehner, reached from a tanning bed in Dupont, stated that Pelosi’s fall from grace has less to do with party lines, and more to do with tan lines. “Since I replaced Ms. Pelosi as Speaker of the House, she’s clearly grown more and more self-conscious about her appearance. Truth is the woman never sleeps. She’s always standing outside my house screaming ‘Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.’ I mean… Give it a rest, lady. There’s a reason my Hot or Not rating is 8.9: Gym… Tan… Laundry… Nap…”
Ms. Pelosi apparently reached out to James Scherr, Director of Congressional Online Networking and a renowned former computer hacker, this morning. Pelosi is seeking to have Scherr reset her Hot of Not ranking back to its pre-recession levels when the speaker had more time to focus on her makeup and tan lines. “Ms. Pelosi has worked tirelessly to help this economy recover from the depths of Republican failure,” scolded Senator Harry Reid. “She should not be punished… She’s at least a 6.1 right now. Anything less is a baseless attack on such a wonderful woman. Americans should be ashamed.”
Republican leaders argue that Ms. Pelosi has brought the reduced score on herself. Though she may have been working tirelessly, they argue, she has been doing so for all the wrong reasons. “If Harry Reid wants to suggest that her score fell because she looks tired, he should ask why she is tired,” said GOP Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann, currently rated an 8.2 on Hot or Not. “She’s tired and her Hot or Not rating is going to fall to 4.0 because she has spent so many long nights in back room meetings and forcing through healthcare deals that half of America doesn’t want.”
It will be interesting to see how the former speaker responds over the weekend and whether grassroots Democrats will sign online this weekend to help boost her Hot or Not ranking. She was last seen crying into a pillow at the doctor’s office and uttering the words “Jobs, jobs, jobs” repeatedly.
Democrats remain optimistic. “The reality is this,” said Congressman Barney Frank (D-MA), whose Hot or Not ranking fell to an all-time low of 1.8 on Friday. “Ms. Pelosi is a beautiful woman. Even though I’m gay, if Congress were the last group of people in the world and we had to repopulate the planet, I would hope that I’d be partnered up with [Nancy]…” he paused. “Well… maybe 25 years ago…”
Calls to Speaker Boehner and Ms. Pelosi’s office were not returned as of Friday evening.
By Garrett Baldwin