After Criticism on Moon Colony, Newt Gingrich Declares War on Alien Civilization
By NE Wasp
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Having won South Carolina with a fiery conservative message, Newt Gingrich and his campaign have been left devising new, creative, and of course “American” means of continuing his current ground swell of support among people looking for someone other than Mitt Romney.
Standing in front of multiple TV screens in his high tech RPL (Roving Political Laboratory) otherwise known as his campaign bus, the Former Speaker, was said to have seen the entire sweep of human history and political thought within minutes (for the fourth time today). He was searching for a unifying concept to strike his fancy.
After that fourth cycle in front of the televisions, the great intellect turned to his acolytes and said “I believe we have an answer.”
Gingrich continued, “Our economy is ailing. Our nation is falling apart at the seams while looking for a unifying principle. Our sons and daughters are searching for a purpose they can pass on to their grandchildren. We desire our resources. We question whether or not we belong in the universe. The answer is war! War on any extraterrestrial civilization that stands between us and our national interests!”
The aliens are, themselves, not too keen on the idea as one would expect. Habgert Mingdort of Zeta 2 Reticuli, and secret ambassador to planet Earth attempted to escape Earth’s orbit before NASA officials could place him and his family under house arrest. He does, however, admit that antipathy wrought by anti-Reticulan propaganda has put a huge damper on Human-Alien relations since the early 1950’s. Aggressive action on the part of humans was only the inevitable result of the mass proliferation of hate speech in movies like Mars Attacks or Independence Day.
Unenlightened members of the mass media, still under the impression we are alone, question not only Gingrich’s sanity, but also his political strategy. Most Americans, even if they do believe in aliens, do not find any change in diplomatic relations with them to be among the most pressing matters. Should Newt make it past the primary, how would an intergalactic war help his chances with Obama.
“Simple.” said political analyst Rob Dietmeyer. “You have to find a compelling reason for people to vote for you over the other guy. If Newt can prove we are at war with an alien civilization that has spied on and subverted human interests for years, he will be seen as the only man with answers to that pressing question, thereby paving a viable path to the presidency. But that is only if he can make a viable case that we are indeed being subjugated by an alien power.”
Speaker Gingrich has yet to come out with a detailed plan concerning what he would do to attack the extraterrestrial imperialists. As a contingency plan, the Democratic Party is preparing Orson Scott Card for a run should Obama prove week in inter-planetary policy.