“Feng Shui” Market Reforms Gain Bipartisan Support
WASHINGTON — Proposals to introduce ‘feng shui’ based market reforms have gained widespread support in congress, following a two week debate on reestablishing stability within the US economy.
Devised in early January by Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), the bill is now receiving backing by prominent Republican leaders John Boehner (R-OH) and Eric Cantor (R-VA).
In a press release today, GOP leaders and conservative heavyweights have stated their support for the new bill, citing the consistency of the bill with party positions regarding constitutionally limited government and free enterprise. “Government is the problem, feng shui may be the solution,” said Boehner outside congress.
Under the draft proposal, the NASDAQ and several other stock exchanges will be renovated in line with the appropriate interior aesthetics of the feng shui philosophy. Inspired by the principles of Chinese geomancy and divinity, the proposal will see the removal of three walls and all security cameras within the building. Two wind-chimes and a sunroof will be installed in place, allowing for an optimal level of positive ‘qi’ energy to resonate throughout the stock exchange. Fluctuations in the value of stocks and derivatives will then be determined by the ‘loupan,’ or feng shui compass.
Economic analysts believe that the positive qi energy will help stimulate the battered US economy. Ben Bernake from the Federal Reserve says that the new architectural style will reinvigorate the stagnant economy with light and a fresh spirit; “We are confident that the feng shui principles will lead to sustained economic growth. Our estimates suggest that this may or may not create new jobs in key and/or obsolete sectors of the economy.”
The bill is expected to pass through the Senate next month.