Obama Offers Catholics Compromise: Plan B Rosary Beads
By Douglas Timothy
WASHINGTON — President Obama’s health care mandate, which dictates that religious-affiliated organizations provide contraceptives to female employees, has touched a new nerve (or soul?). Catholic priests, nuns, Speaker John Boehner, and even prominent Senate Democrats like John Kerry have called on the president to backtrack – and he has.
In a marathon advisory meeting that lasted well into the night, President Obama and lobbyists from Planned Parenthood have come up with “Plan B Rosary Beads, ” cherry-flavored abortifacients for Catholics to hand out to secular employees.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney explained the move this way: “Faith is a powerful thing, but so is the human sex drive. Americans shouldn’t have to choose between the two. In fact, when you put the two together it could be argued that you create something even more beautiful. And God loves beautiful, doesn’t He? Plan B Rosary Beads are the perfect compromise. Say a Hail Mary. Have a little sex. Eat the a little bead and leave it all in God’s hands. President Obama feels as though this strikes the perfect balance that the separation of church and state demands.”
Catholic League President Bill Donohue, who has mobilized Catholics across the country over the past few days (even calling for them to protest in the streets), was not subdued by the news. Donohue notes that Catholic organizations that refuse to comply with the federal mandates will risk sanctions. Those sanctions would impact countless Catholic hospitals and charities across the nation, perhaps to the point of closure.
“I told Bill Donohue that this was taken care of,” said Obama in a rare winter Rose Garden appearance. “He needs to stop worrying. How does the Lord’s Prayer go, again? ‘…Thy Kingdom Come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.’ How much clearer can I make it for a guy? Yeesh.”
ABC White House correspondent Jake Tapper was the only one who pointed out to Obama that he wasn’t, indeed, God. Regardless, this is one election year wedge issue that isn’t going away.
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