US, UN Would Intervene “If Only Syria Had a Bit More Oil”

“Exqueeze me? Did you say something, UN?” - Bashar, voted Best Dictator 2000-2012.

By Cy Guevara

HOMS, SYRIA – The protests of ‘People Against Dictatorships’ known as the Arab Spring that began on Saturday, December 18, 2010 when a young fruit vendor set himself on fire have yielded fruitful results in all but Syria. Syria got a late start in joining the global revolt, starting their protests this past March once they felt “that the whole world was watching.”

While the 21st century world was dismayed to find that they could indeed now watch genocide in progress, Bashar al-Assad has responded to his people’s gripes by having 7,000 of them killed, with somewhere around 1,000 killed in just this past week in one particularly “gripey” province—Homs.

As a result, at least 12,000 Syrians have emigrated to “tent-like accommodations” in Turkey, and those who remain are torn between “fleeing and dying.”  As one local Homs resident said, “I mean, principles are good and all but you have to wonder if life isn’t better.”

Since Assad’s military began targeting “pesky apartment buildings,” “insurgent parks,” “hospitals” and other “densely populated areas, ” the government’s civilian attacks have focused on Homs and Hama—neighborhoods where Assad’s father once killed up to 40,000 people for their “gripes.” US and UN officials have responded decisively, launching an aggressive letter-writing and finger-pointing campaign, and withdrawing all diplomatic ambassadors from “having to live there.” The US has also placed sanctions on Syria—better known in financial circles as “time outs.”

This financial timeout appears to be going “not too bad” for Assad. As discovered by Anonymous ‘hacktivists’ this past December, Assad has been given a generous $1 billion dollar bailout to bypass the timeout by fellow “Most Misunderstood Dictator” Mahmoud Ahmadinojewjihad. Another Anonymous document revealed why ethical giants such as China and Russia blocked a UN response, in that “the central banks of Syria and Iran agreed to use banks in Russia and China to ease the transfer of funds between the two countries, in view of the current conditions in Syria and Iran.”

While many wonder why the UN should be staffed by “more dictators,” local area residents in Homs and Hama who survived the shelling had mixed emotions after learning that Syria ranked “low on the global priorities list.” Analysts and foreign policy scholars are even now trying to explain the reasons to them.

“If only they had just a bit more oil,” said one IMF source. “Syria ranks 32 in top oil producers; that’s just a bad investment waiting to happen. Iran is ranked number 3,”—something which makes political pundits from Israel to Glenn Beck rate Iran as “near-bad” to “possibly the worst ever.”

To date, the Arab Spring has sparked revolutions in Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen,  Algeria, Iraq, Iran, Kuwait, Morocco, Oman, Lebanon, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Western Sahara, the U.S., Chile, Mexico, Argentina, Spain, Greece, Italy, England, Iceland, Jordan, at the borders of Israel, and of course Palestine. In other words, the entire Middle East and all seven continents have joined the protests.

Despite this, most governments and major media polled deem the uprisings a “hippy fad” of “filthy, filthy freaks” that will never fully be embraced by “any self-deserving Banana Republic. Chiquita anyone?”

Governments are also quick to point out the disastrous consequences that “truth leaks” have had on sovereign citizens, including but not limited to the embarrassing time Hillary Clinton’s pantsuit caught on fire.

The consequences have devastated not just those in developing nations but citizens from the better-developed “first-world” as well: private Bradley Manning, journalist Julian Assange, US CIA operatives Thomas Drake and Jeffrey Sterling, US Dept. of Justice adviser Jesselyn Radack, and according to the US government —“ most US citizens.”

The US terrorist watchlist grew from 16 domestic suspects on September 11, 2001 to “at least 1 million” today—larger than the .001% population benefiting most, and largely due to intrepid surveillance by most federal intelligence agencies and local police departments. US intelligence and police units have succeeded in capturing “at least 4,000 ‘gripey’ dissenters” from the Occupy protests alone, though unlike Wikileaks and Anonymous they’ve been stymied in uncovering “even one financial-institution misconduct worthy of arrest.”

Still, many Americans remain hopeful that they might lead the world in instituting “a real democracy”  abroad, if not at home; thereby winning the “hearts and minds” of oppressed populations that would “just rather not die.”

At present, Assad remains critical of the continuing gripes and is instead using a large percentage of his $1 billion bailout to invest heavily in both artillery and the ‘Big Heads Club for Men.’ According to his wife, who fled to England with their children once her husband’s “dictorship went offtrack,” she claims that while “the violence has been devastating, it doesn’t measure up to the damage suffered from his small, pencil-like head.”

In response, Assad has launched a swift campaign in support of his new dot-com initiative, which pomises “a full head of head in the first 6 months.”  As Assad himself says: “I can already feel my head growing, soon it will be life-sized.  Because I’m not just the president of Big Heads Club for Men, but I’m also its most despotic client.”

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