Mitt Romney Massages Dogs’ Testicles For Votes
By Kenny Heidt
NEW YORK – Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney made a campaign stop at The Westminster Kennel Club this past week in an effort to change public opinion about his treatment of dogs.
As a guest judge during the toy dog competition, Romney checked the dogs’ coat, paws and gently massaged the dogs’ testicles to check for full dissension.
“Mr. Romney has one very gentle touch with the creatures,” the head official of The Westminster Kennel Club told The Washington Fancy. “He rubbed those dogs’ testicles like no other person I’ve ever seen. A silky Terrier even ejaculated a little from the way Romney caressed him.”
After the infamous ‘Puppy Gate Scandal’, Mitt Romney appeared at the dog competition in an effort to convince America that he really is a dog lover. PETA and other animal activist organizations are still unable to look past this 1983 incident in which Romney tied his family dog Seamus, an Irish Setter, to the roof of the car on a twelve-hour road trip.
Animal rights groups argue that a man who treats animals in such a deplorable way cannot govern human beings. However, the head official for The Westminster Kennel Club thinks otherwise: “Any man who can massage testicles like that can definitely work in politics.”
After the event, Romney’s poll numbers increased. His campaign released a statement to the press that said, “The Westminster Kennel Club is only the first step toward changing public opinion. Mitt Romney will continue to travel around the country massaging dog testicles until he wins this nomination in August!”