LEAKED: C-SPAN Transcript of Senator Snowe Retirement
By Thomas Moore III
Chairman Reince Priebus (WI): Okay, any unfinished business?
Orrin Hatch (Utah): I’m sorry, Mr. Chairman, I’m still a little thrown off by your name. I don’t know how to say it, and I’m not sure where it came from.
Priebus: It’s Reince. I’ve explained this like ten times. I even staged a puppet show. Do you remember anything from the show?
Michele Bachmann (MN): Wait, isn’t that the name of those monkeys they kept launching into space? Those brave Reince monkeys giving their lives for us all… it really makes you think.
Olympia Snowe (ME): Okay, before this gets worse, this is kinda why I’m retiring. I’d like to say a few words, if I may.
Priebus: Please.
Snowe: I’d like to say that you can all go to hell. Most of you anyway. At its best, the Republican Party is about fiscal responsiblity, about looking at the future of our country instead of panicking and spending money on every little thing. We made tough decisions like adults, and sometimes we had a little fun, too.
But we’ve been on a sharp decline ever the Clinton years, and it’s not getting better. We’re the Melanie Griffith of political parties.
Jeff Sessions (AL): That’s harsh. Melanie Griffith fell off like the Continental Shelf; you’ll be swimming in the ocean where it’s only a hundred feet deep, and then a mile out from shore, it becomes a bottomless pit full of sharks and giant squid and you don’t really know how you drifted so far out.
Steve King (IA): She hit the bottle and the bottle hit back.
Snowe: We stonewalled Obama for two years to set up this election where we would get rid of him. By this point, most sane people wanted to see us work together and get stuff done. So we offered them Newt Gingrich, the last guy to shut down the government? We know that ”W.” ended up embarrassing us all, and we couldn’t get away from him, it was like sleeping with the cleaning lady at the job at the office Christmas party. So we went and got Rick Perry? That’s like beating AIDS and then getting cancer.
Michele Bachmann has never authored a bill that passed and she’s been around for twenty years. Generally when you lavishly reward someone that has never accomplished anything, you’re talking about the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys.
John Cornyn (TX): God, it’s true. I would bang a homeless guy to get Peyton Manning.
Snowe: How exactly is Rick Santorum going to win any state where the average IQ is over 80? This is the culmination of the grand plan? And you know why it’s so awful? Because McCain could have won. He WAS winning. And then you picked the bimbo from Alaska. Do you remember 2008?
No one knew who Obama was. He was too black for white people, and too white for black people. Everyone wanted to vote for Hillary Clinton, except at the last second we realized that she reminds us too much of Kevin Spacey in Se7en… Once she was out, women were looking for someone to vote for. This country wanted change. If McCain picks me, if he picks Lisa Murkowski, hell, if you skip me and pick Suzy Collins, we win 2008. But you always go for looks.
It should have been me though. I would have been a great Presidential or Vice-Presidential candidate. After 30 years of service the country was ready for me, I had the respect of everybody I’ve worked with, and my record was clean as a whistle. You should have backed me.
But I’m tired. I’m a Spartan and even I don’t feel like fighting anymore. Honestly, the idea of dealing with LePage and some Tea Party idiots for the next few years just isn’t worth it. So you can all suck it. Good luck in 2012. I’m going to live somewhere where I’ll never have to wear shoes again.
(drops microphone)
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Posted by Thomas Moore
on Mar 5 2012. Filed under Congress.
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