FDA: Recreational Drug Use No Longer an Option, People Must Be Sedated
By Cy Guevara
WASHINGTON – As the number of panic attacks, car accidents, and slow service in drive-thru lanes at fast-food restaurants seems to be driving America to the point of madness, the Surgeon General has issued a new warning advising people to use drugs to maintain their sanity.
“It’s really the only thing that will help,” explained the General at the launch of their “Just Say Yes!” campaign. “Nothing else has been proven effective against reality.”
One McDonalds employee explained that the number of people crying or completely freaking out at their drive-thru window has really slowed business. As a result, they’ve been pushing Happy Meals on adults, “It gives folks something to look forward to. There’s a toy at the end.”
The Food and Drug Administration is concerned that unrestrained reality could spark an epidemic, and has cautioned, “Recreational drug use is no longer an option, people need to seriously be sedated.”
Across the country, people who have been losing the war against reality are once again hopeful that things will get better – or at least it will feel like it. The FDA, who was already working intently to get the pro-drug message out, has now added drugs to their Food Pyramid, right between cereals and vegetables. “It almost doesn’t matter which drug you take or what combination,” they said, “as long as you have several servings a day. And it’s in a pill.”
College students have long been advocating organic drug use, but health regulators warn that ingredients found in nature cannot be trusted like the synthetics currently on the market. “At least we know what’s in pills, what ingredients. But who can tell with nature. ” Authorities agree, and claim that organic drug use has led to many 911 and emergency calls to rescue people from inertia and munchy-housen syndrome.
The front lines in this battle rage on, as 99% of people report being affected. Priests, who have quietly suffered long lines of parishioners all waiting to cry in their confessionals, are relieved at the improved drug rules. “Before, we had to leave results in the hands of God. Now we can recommend three Hail Mary’s, two Prozac, and a stinger. It’s much safer that way.” They also claim the Happy Meal toys seem to be helping, and are encouraging adults to play with them during church services and confessions.