Peeing Outside the Box: A Washington Fancy Interview with Rush Limbaugh
PALM BEACH— The Washington Fancy snagged the first exclusive interview with America’s “Harmless Loveable Little Fuzzball” since the Sandra Fluke controversy erupted only a week ago. But what started out as a conversation about contraceptive chaos turned rapidly into a lecture by America’s “Doctor of Democracy” about the failings of Liberalism, the Left, President Obama and the Democratic Party. Rush told us that his cat, Punkin, who pees outside of her litter box when she suffers from urinary tract infections, can explain everything we need to know about what’s wrong with Obama and the Left. Peeing Outside the Box? Limbaugh: “Don’t doubt me.”
WF: Thank you, Mr. Limbaugh, for agreeing to interview with The Washington Fancy. We really try to reach across the aisle and present both sides of every issue, so this is a real honor that you’ve agreed to talk with us about Sandra Fluke here in your Palm Beach EIB studio. Just so you know, we’re still trying to arrange an interview with Ms. Fluke to get her thoughts on all of this.
RL: Let’s get something straight right away. None of this is about Sandra Fluke. She’s just a useful prop for Obama and the Left. And so are her birth control pills or her Plan B pills, or whatever else she wants, whether Georgetown is forced to pay for them by sheer unconstitutional force on the part of the Obama Administration, or whether she gets them for pennies at Planned Parenthood or at Walmart. What this whole phony controversy is about is this: This is about the Obama Administration and the Democratic Party staging an elaborate press conference on contraception, which was designed to divert attention away from their abject failures—which they own now–on the nation’s economy and the administration’s energy policies—not to mention what’s going on in the Middle East because of Obama’s “Love me I’m not George Bush” foreign policy. They deliberately set out to get women in this country to think that the Republican Party—the Party of “No” —and Conservatives are against women getting contraception so that these same women would stop paying attention to the real problems Obama has created and now owns. My mistake was in the form of my response to all this nonsense. I made an unforced error in descending to the level of the Left and using offensive words to react to Ms. Fluke. I’m sure you’ve heard or read my apology to Ms. Fluke by now and it was sincere.
WF: I have read it. Why do you think the whole Sandra Fluke controversy even happened in the first place?
RL: It’s really simple, actually, and I have my cat Punkin to thank for literally acting it out before my very eyes, so that I can now explain it to you and to my audience.
WF: Your cat?
RL: Yes, my cat. If only I had had this epiphany before I reacted inappropriately to Ms. Fluke and the phony hearing the Democrats were staging. I could have been so much more effective. But that was then and this is now.
All the Dittoheads know that I have this adorable cat Punkin. If you go on my Facebook page you’ll see photos of Punkin that we posted. Kathryn is a dog lover—we have our three English Sheepdogs, Abbey, Wellesley and Cambridge–but our dogs are pretty recent for me. Long before I married Kathryn, I was a cat lover. I sometimes get off track on my show and talk about Punkin or our dogs or about football and some listeners in my audience go nuts and call in demanding that I stick to the issues. I even call them the “Stick to the Issues” folks and I love to irritate them! Anyway, while I was prepping for this interview with you and TWF over the weekend, I was coincidentally dealing with a problem at home with Punkin when I had this “Aha” moment. Everything I have been trying to say for years about the Left can be neatly summed up and explained by what my cat Punkin does when she gets urinary tract infections. I know it sounds absurd, but I love using the absurd to illustrate the absurd. Do you have cats by any chance?
WF: No. I’d really like to get a dog, but my girlfriend is allergic and we just go back and forth about it, but in the end we don’t have a dog or a cat.
RL: Well, Kathryn’s the dog expert in the family and I’m definitely the cat man. If you talk to anyone you know who has a cat, you’ll find out that they’ve undoubtedly had the exact same problem I have had with Punkin. Every cat owner at some point in time has a problem with their cats getting urinary tract infections. It’s a given with cats. Something to do with cat bladders and their anatomy, much more common even than in people. Anyway, when Punkin got her first urinary tract infection a couple of years ago, I didn’t know anything about this and I was beside myself! Here’s this otherwise immaculate cat I’ve had for years who keeps her litter box in the most pristine condition. I’m kind of a fanatic about having my housekeeper keep the box really clean, and suddenly Punkin is peeing right outside of her litter box! I couldn’t believe it!
For years Punkin was the most dependably litter box-trained cat and believe me, I spend a fortune on Punkin so you’d never even know that her litter box, which is encased in a built-in mahogany cabinet system I had especially made for her in my laundry room, is even there, let alone that she’s used it. As soon as she goes, it’s whisked out of there! So all of a sudden she’s peeing outside the box. Not only was she peeing outside the box, she was peeing right next to the box—within a foot or two of the litter box, there were these little tiny little yellow droplets of urine. At first I thought she was doing it on purpose just to tick me off for not paying enough attention to her or something like that. It was infuriating, but then I realized that something had to be wrong so I took her to my veterinarian. This is no ordinary veterinarian by the way—none of the vets in Palm Beach are ordinary–and she explained to me that this is really common with cats, especially as they get older. They get these urinary infections and it hurts every time they have to urinate, but the cat has no idea why it hurts when he pees so he thinks—from his feeble cat brain perspective—that it’s the litter box that’s causing him to have the pain on peeing. So what does he do to try and relieve the pain? He intentionally avoids the litter box and pees outside the box.
I am not making this up. Google “pee outside the box” and you’ll see hundreds of articles about this. But peeing outside the box doesn’t do a thing for Punkin’s urinary infection or for the pain, but she still thinks that if she pees outside the box she will avoid or at least have less pain. Obviously a cat that has a urinary tract infection needs an antibiotic, but the cat doesn’t know that! They don’t read articles on the Internet about feline urinary tract infections. He’s just confused and distracted by the pain, naturally, and so he does everything he can to avoid the real underlying issue that’s causing him the pain. Meanwhile, not only does Punkin not get rid of the pain when she pees outside the box, all she does by peeing outside the box is cause ME and my housekeeper to have to spend more time and money on paper towels and disinfectants cleaning up after her messes. Obviously nothing works until you deal directly with the real underlying issue–the infection— by getting the cat an antibiotic. And this is exactly what the Obama Administration and the Democrats are doing with the whole issue of contraceptives.
WF: Peeing outside the box? Obama is peeing outside the box?
RL: That’s right. PEEING OUTSIDE THE BOX. They’re trying to confuse and distract American women and voters so they will avoid the real underlying problems that are causing them so much pain, and in the process, blame Republicans and conservatives who are out there spending more money and time on the proverbial paper towels and disinfectants to try and clean up the real infections caused by Obama’s own failed policies.
WF: It’s an interesting idea, Mr. Limbaugh.
RL: It’s exactly what happened here! There’s this Obama mandate about contraceptives that the Catholic Church and countless others refused to back down on because they had religious objections, especially about Plan B, which they feel is a mini-abortion. It was a public relations disaster for Obama. Santorum and Romney and even Ron Paul were starting to figure out how to turn the controversy against Obama when the Catholic Church and others were starting to push back on being told to stick it with their faith and their principles. Meanwhile, there’s real pain at the gasoline pump and American women—I’m talking about the ones who still have a job–are actually trying to work two jobs—home and office—and every time they fill up their gas tanks it’s getting closer to $100. You’ve got Obama and his energy Secretary Chu on record saying they want to get the price of gas up to $9 a gallon, just like in enlightened Europe, and then he vetoes the Keystone Pipeline. And don’t forget he had already stopped drilling in the Gulf even though the Democrats in the southern states have been crying out to him to get the EPA to do something—anything—to allow jobs to get going in the private sector. And then Chu comes across as a totally disconnected high IQ moron when he admits to some Congressional committee that he doesn’t even own a car so he is obviously unaffected by skyrocketing gas prices.
OK, so the elites in the Obama Administration don’t need a car to get to work from Georgetown or some such similar neighborhood. That’s got to go over real well with the women in this country who do actually have to get to and from work, who have to take their elderly parents to doctor appointments and who have to get their children to school. How exactly does Chu think they are going to do it—on a bicycle built for two? Yuppie Bicycle Infrastructure may work for the Obama sycophants who spend their days cycling around in Spandex and sipping cafe lattes in DC, NY and San Francisco but it’s not going to cut it for real working women who have to juggle more than looking good in Spandex. So what do David Axelrod, Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and all the other Democrats devise to deal with their desperation on Obama’s sinking approval numbers? They decide it’s time to pee outside the box! They do what Punkin does; get everyone to avoid recognizing and dealing with the real problem, the real infection that’s causing the pain – failing policies that Obama can’t blame on Bush anymore with a straight face–and make a phony artificial mess to blame on the Republicans which they’ll never be able to clean up in this election year. So they attack Republicans for waging a phony, mythical Republican “War on Women,” claiming they don’t want women to get birth control pills, even though we all know that the Republican opposition to Obama’s mandate isn’t at all about denying birth control options to women. It’s about forcing religious institutions to give up their freedom to choose and pay for other women’s choices. It’s not “pro-women” to demand that other women pay for other women’s contraceptive choices—especially ones that are morally objectionable to them. Anyway, my mistake was in criticizing one of the props instead of the real underlying producers and directors of this phony Obama drama. I apologized to Ms. Fluke, but now the attack on me has gone viral and I’m being compared to Hitler’s propaganda machine. I can’t even repeat what’s being said about me. It’s very civil, this discourse on the Left.
WF: Mr. Limbaugh, thank you for your time and for this interview. Can we use your Facebook photo of Punkin when we go to press?
RL: Sure. You have my permission—but you don’t even need it. Fair Use. My little brother David is the lawyer in the family. He has taught me a thing or two about Copyright Law.