American Women Replace the Pill with “The Machete Method”
By C. Guevara
NATIONWIDE – The escalating controversy over female reproduction that men have been trying hard to resolve has inspired a group of conscientious women to action. Their solution—the Machete Method—is a surprisingly innovative and low-tech solution to contraception that promises “no pill-related side-effects, at little to no cost for the US taxpayer, and guaranteed to be 100% effective.”
“Not even the condom or pill can offer that,” said Newt Gingrich’s last ex-wife and one of the method’s strongest advocates: “All that’s required is the desire to make the world a better place, one sharp machete and an apron—who doesn’t have that?”
Implementation of the machete method has been surprisingly easy, despite a lack of federal funding. Countless female volunteers—mostly made up of US females who have ever been dumped, divorced, disgraced, or generally disgusted—have been offering their time and overhand stroke to help the cause.
Sandra Fluke, the woman called a “slutty prostitute” after being the only female allowed to represent women in the recent Congressional hearing on birth control, has been selected to represent male reproduction at the next Congressional event. Already, a growing panel of politicians’ ex-wives is offering to resolve all present and future disputes concerning male reproduction.
Demand for the Machete Method has grown so strong that they’ve been dispatching mobile units—converted vans with sterilized chopping blocks and soundproofed walls—to places where males are known to congregate. The vans have been spotted idling just outside golf courses, sports arenas and the Senate.
Though men are seen leaving the mobile units on stretchers in catatonic stupors, still more men continue to enter the vans. Sources believe that it may be due to the catchy advertising on the side of the mobile units, which promises “Guilt-Free Sex for Life!” Attractive sorority girls have been spotted just outside the vehicles waving signs that read “Drop Your Pants Inside!” and “Just Close Your Eyes.”
The new method seems to be bringing the female vote—which already outnumbered male voters—fast together despite right or left political leanings. “I was so despondent before,” said Rush Limbaugh’s current wife: “Imagine all the money many of us have wasted over the years taking contraception conscientiously in order to spare the world another little Limbaugh. Or the years some of us have spent helping our cleaning lady get Rush his Oxycontin and those dirty home-movies of girls on contraception. I mean, just helping him get his bra on every morning while wiping down his spittle and forehead wears me out.”
Leading political candidates have expressed mixed emotions. Mitt Romney said he would support “any method that doesn’t touch my money, or the size of trees,” while President Obama said: “It’s not all that different from what we’ve been prescribing at Guantanamo, so how bad can it be?” Rick Santorum was a bit more reluctant: “Does that mean we can’t have the TSA wave any transvaginal wands into any hoohas? I don’t think Jesus would like that.”
Concerned, Washington Fancy reporters contacted sperm banks across the country, but all report their stockrooms are “replete with enough specimens to last us forever.” As one fertility lab tech put it: “We’ve got everything from Stephen Colbert’s Formula 401 Manseed to a 1961 Kurt Vonnegut. Now, not only will every pregnancy be planned but the baby-batter we got on ice is guaranteed to be of higher quality than anything you can find at your local bar—or your chromosomes back!”
Though a few males in a shaky falsetto are complaining about the “pain thing” associated with the new method, Sean Hannity’s mother offered her condolences by saying: “Since none of them will ever once go through labor themselves, I think it’s a small, quick, shriveled-up price to pay for having a foolproof method to protect the world, and ourselves, from more of them.”
A few minor complications have resulted from dull blades, bad aim, and elderly women with poor eyesight volunteering their time. But overall, the program has been a bigger success than Kony2012. Men are being cautioned to go peacefully inside the vans, for their own safety. As one Senate intern said: “Don’t worry, it’ll be over in two minutes.”