Santorum: “As President, I Would Make Washington Monument into Crucifix”


By Jessica Wachtel

NEW YORK -– Famous psychic Sylvia Browne appeared on The Today Show this morning to reveal Republican Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum’s alarming plans for the Washington Monument. Allegedly, Santorum plans to turn the Egyptian-style obelisk into a crucifix once he takes office.

“I was ever so blessed to have a conversation with Jesus himself two evenings ago,” Sylvia Browne told Ann Curry. “He informed me about Rick Santorum’s plan to make minor adjustments to the original monument, which will transform the horrific, phallic-shaped abomination into the only acceptable structure: the crucifix. Jesus told me that the appropriate structure would finally stand proud if we shave down the base of the current monument, use the removed materials to form the perpendicular bar, and then add a paper mache model of Jesus himself covered in authentic rawhide from the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.”

Before Curry had a moment to react to this new information, Browne continued, “I also reached out to Pope John Paul II, and he told me that Americans and tourists will now feel safe and finally enjoy the Reflecting Pool, appropriately filled with holy water.” Ann Curry responded with a blank stare while mouthing the words, “Cut to commercial.”

After the lengthy commercial break, Curry continued the interview against her will. Browne informed the stunned host that “even though an earthly spokesman was unavailable for comment, Thomas Jefferson voiced his thoughts on the impending renovations.” Browne concluded the interview by stating, “Poor Mr. Jefferson. He wasn’t very chatty, but he did say he thought church and state were separated in the constitution. ‘Benny F’ and ‘George’ agreed too.”

 


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