Boehner, Mistaken for Produce, Quarantined in UK
By Garrett Baldwin
LONDON — Speaker of the House John Boehner is recovering after sustaining injuries at Heathrow International Airport after British Customs agents thought he was an illegal produce import that had mutated on the plane and taken on human characteristics.
“Holy [expletive]!” screamed Nigel Austin, 23, upon seeing Boehner in the Customs line. “That giant carrot’s talking! Someone get him before he starts attacking buildings.”
Austin and five other customs agents tackled Boehner and arrested the Congressman’s Chief of Staff Barry Jackson for attempting to smuggle produce past customs officials. Jackson was released after British Intelligence confirmed that the humongous orange being was in fact a U.S. Congressman traveling on official government business.
Witnesses at the scene described a chaotic few moments, with some observers shocked at just how bright John Boehner’s head is. “Crickey! He looked like a bag of peach slices spilled inside a cantaloupe, he did,” said Georgie Breads.
Sam Jeffries agreed. “I didn’t know that salmon was a new human race, but these scientists need to be stopped. Someone needs to take away the funding of scientists… Did you see that guy’s face?”
The problems began Monday evening when Chief of Staff Jackson was stopped at the Customs desk and asked to empty his bag. Inside, officials found a small pocket knife and two tangerines. After stating that the tangerines were just his breakfast, Boehner approached the customs desk to ask if everything was alright. It was at that moment that Customs officials couldn’t tell the difference between the tangerines and Boehner’s face. When Boehner began asking questions, they drew their weapons in fright and tackled the “very large screaming apricot.”
Boehner was carried into a side room, stripped and examined by medical officials. He was then whisked away to another part of the airport where animals transported without the correct paperwork are typically kept. “We initially put him in animal quarantine because we thought there was something seriously wrong with his skin,” said Angela McDowell. “But we had to get him out of there when a few rabbits attacked him, thinking he was an oversized carrot stick.”
Boehner is expected to fly back to Washington on Tuesday after he is given rabies shots and treated for animal bites on his hands and left ear. Calls to the Congressman’s office were not returned.