FBI Makes College Degree Mandatory for Spies, Foreign Agents
The FBI has issued a statement to students all across America, cautioning them to be on the lookout for peers who may seem "suspiciously intelligent or out of place."
By Jahs
COLLEGE CAMPUSES AROUND AMERICA – According to a recent FBI report, any person desiring to become a foreign spy must now obtain a college degree.
In an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy, a former-FBI agent who now consults for Spies-R-Us, an independent reconnaissance agency, stated, “The competition is tough, so if you want to be a respected international spy, you are going to have to work smarter, not harder.”
The new requirements are presented to be quite simple. According to the recent FBI report, foreigners wishing to become spies must be accepted into an accredited U.S. University and graduate. Every attempt must be made to pass the tuition costs onto the American taxpayers through federal grants, scholarships, and students loans that will not be repaid.
“In recent years, the overall quality of spying has plummeted, and it is in our best interest to change that,” said former KGB agent and current President of Russia Vladimir Putin. “Dmitry told me that President Obama plans to make the application process more flexible after the upcoming election. We look forward to stealing military secrets and technology more seamlessly in the future.”
Counselors now take mandatory courses on how to fill out the Free Application for Student Aid (FAFSA) for prospective foreign spies without divulging their true identities and occupations. FAFSA forms also require taxpayer assistance.
In addition, the United States is now encouraging spies to sneak into the country, and therefore be able to pay at the level of an in-state tuition. Women who wish to become spies without enough money for tuition are advised to become pregnant and acquire food stamps; if needed, Obamacare will cover any medical costs.
The FBI also promotes spy participation in athletics and activities to hone physical and community organization/disorganization skills, all of which are required to become a well-rounded sleuth, snoop, or subversive. The FBI named this the “Well Rounded or Whole Spy Concept.”
Michigan State President Lou Anna K. Simon contacted the CIA to get information on how to recruit these new students. “We wouldn’t have had to close our Dubai campus if we had known about this sooner. This will be great for our bottom line, and we look forward to helping produce better spies for the future.”
Harry Reid pretended not to know about the new foreign spy requirement but stated, “We are here to help.”
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Posted by Jahs Green
on Apr 12 2012. Filed under Headlines.
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