Republicans Like Sex Too, Declare Ceasefire in War on Women
WASHINGTON — In lieu of Democratic rhetoric and the media deeming Republicans at war with women, females have abstained from sex with conservative representatives, talk-show hosts, and satire writers.
Polls show women are winning this war. With the declaration of a ceasefire for conjugal visits by the House leadership, everyone is now free to vote with passion.
Women in and around the Capitol ran for cover as Republicans declared a temporary ceasefire in their war against women. Emergency sirens sounded on university campuses around the area as many of the younger Republican representatives sprinted off the Hill as soon as the freeze on conjugal visits was lifted.
“This is for the good of the nation,” speaker Boehner ejaculated. “Barack Obama may make men’s legs tingle, but we are going after the female vote. Our boys don’t need Teleprompters; they have oral abilities that make women quiver. We won’t wait until after the election to demonstrate our flexibility. We have heat-seeking missiles and bunker- busters, and we plan to use them. Dmitry Medvedev can relay that to Russian President Putin if he likes.”
An anonymous observer told of Republicans sacking the Congressional infirmary’s condom supply. One student intern said, “It was like watching a Capitol One commercial with all those Vikings ransacking everything. The Rep I work for was looking at me like I was his cabin boy toy. Thank goodness a ceasefire was declared before I became a log cabin Republican!”
Many of the older Republican Representatives sauntered down the steps laughing at the young guns hauling balls across the grounds like Usain Bolt from Jamaica. “We should have had Olympic trials here today. I bet every sprint record would have been broken,” stated Ralph Hall (R-TX).
When asked if the public should be concerned, Representative Hall said, “I am 88-years-old, the oldest member of Congress, and I can tell ya straight up, don’t worry about the young ones using up all their energy getting where they’re going. Ya need to worry ‘bout us old guys who pace ourselves. The youngins will get a few strays, but the old bulls will get the bulk of the heard.”
Michele Bachmann (R-MN) breathed a sigh of relief and reflected orally at her own peril. “The only thing worse than a horny pachyderm is a condescending jackass.”