New Antiquities Act Raises Money, Enables Companies to Sponsor National Landmarks
WASHINGTON — In an effort to raise money for more government programs, Congress revised the Antiquities Act of 1906 to allow government agencies to contract the naming rights of national monuments for a fee. National monuments and government buildings are now treated like professional sports franchises and will be named accordingly.
Now, wealthy individuals and mega corporations can merge with the government to advertise on a grander scale. Virgin Group, headed by Sir Richard Branson, already jumped into the name game and bid on the Statue of Liberty. “I want Lady Liberty to be known as the Virgin Statue of Liberty,” said Branson.
White House Press Boy Jay Carney said, “This act is a little late to help green energy companies like Solyndra, but the already roaring economy would be seeing more green if were standing in front of the ‘Solyndra Vietnam War Memorial’.”
EnergySolutions, who currently has naming rights to the stadium where the Utah Jazz play, expressed interest in buying the rights to attach their logo and name to the White House. CEO Val Christensen said, “We think the EnergySolutions White House has a ring to it, and President Obama is the ‘energy’ President. EnergySolutions can take care of all your nuclear waste problems, so give us a call.”
“The list of possibilities is endless,” stated Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “If the nation needs to raise more revenue, we can just create more national monuments through legislation or Executive Order. I don’t see a problem with having a Nike Swoosh with ‘Just Do It’ on the Washington Monument, Toyota logo on the bottom of the Reflecting Pool, or even having Mitsubishi on the USS Arizona in Pearl Harbor – Mitsubishi product did sink it after all. With this program, we will still have to raise taxes – but only on those making over $40K. Don’t forget to vote this November for the Bank Of America Obama Campaign! If you don’t, you are wasting your tax dollars.”
A GSA spokesman stated that “requests for naming rights are hitting a frenzy. We may need to have a convention somewhere expensive as the bidding war heats up.”
Insiders claim that Trojan (the condom kings) have made an offer on Devil Tower in Wyoming, Kotex is keen on Old Faithful in Yellowstone Park, and Victoria’s Secrets would like either the Bad Lands or Big Bend.
Target would like to have its logo firmly affixed to the top of the Pentagon and is willing to alter it to have 6-sides with the familiar circles leading to the center.
Facebook expressed interest in the J. Edgar Hoover building – home to our nation’s finest facial recognition program.
Prices have not been set, but the GAO estimates that, when fully implemented, the program could fetch near 1 trillion dollars.
“This is totally rad man. The Gov is finally coming up with somethin’. Keep smokin’ it cause it’s helpin’!” slurred a vendor at the Pepsi Center in Denver.