New Research Suggests Politics Exist Elsewhere in Solar System
NEW YORK — According to a report contained in the esteemed scientific journal Speculation, the essential difference between people who vote for the more liberal political parties, and those who embrace largely conservative ideals, is that each group was spawned by competing races which seeded the solar system thousands of years ago.
Dr. Pedro Schwartzmann-Mugabe has announced, on behalf of the prestigious MSU Institute of Ancient Studies, that their researchers have uncovered irrefutable evidence on the matter. Accordingly, Earth was colonized millenia ago by aliens from two different cultures that are billions of light years apart from one another. They just happened to show up here the same day.
One group was from the planet De Mocratia which, if viewed by NASA’s Milky Way Galaxy “top view” photo (NASA file IM4D9.NU?), is on the far left of the picture. The other founding fathers, the Bliconians, a much more warlike race, came from a star system at the other end of the galaxy. The Bliconians probably would have wiped out the pacifistic De Mocratians, except for the latter’s strategic use of their secret weapon, “The Guilt Ray”.
Reading from the ancient texts the doctor had uncovered during his life-long research, he claims this planet is the only one in the Solar System colonized by both parties. Apparently, the De Mocratia colonists had also set up a thriving, massive, government-run society on Mars which ultimately collapsed from too much debt. Bliconians, meanwhile, had settled on grassy lush, Jupiter. Unfortunately, however, the Jovian government ended up selling out to the Big Oil lobby and Jupiter eventually became a gas giant, wiping out of all its life forms.