New DSM To Include Diagnosis of ‘Ron Paul-itis’

By David Epstein

ARLINGTON, VA — In preparation for next year’s release of the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the American Psychological Association has announced that they will include a new condition: Ron Paul-itis.

The condition is most prevalent among the followers of the firebrand Texas congressman, and has sustained a spike in prevalence following his two recent presidential runs.

Ron Paul-itis presents a multitude of symptoms. An initial diagnosis is usually based on an extreme fascination with gold, a substance dug from the ground which primitive societies used in place of money. Paul-itis renders its victims unable to see the racism in newsletter articles that include statements such as, “Order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks three days after rioting began.”

“Our studies show that this mental disease is most predominant among men in their 20s who first read an Ayn Rand book before the age of 15,” explained lead DSM editor Rick Shelby. “There are some positive aspects, such as an uncanny ability to find articles on the internet that mention Ron Paul, especially those with non-moderated comment sections.”

Scientists who have been researching this condition have noticed similarities to Dead-Headia, which caused hippies to follow the Grateful Dead around the country while taking drugs. The main difference between the two conditions is that people suffering from Ron Paul-itis are inclined to hand their money over to their leader, while those with Dead-Headia prefer to mooch off of anyone with a VW minivan.

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