For 86th Birthday, Queen Elizabeth II Asks to Restore British Empire
LONDON — England’s regal matriarch, Queen Elizabeth II, announced on Saturday that to celebrate her 86th birthday on Saturday, she is” rebooting the whole empire thing.”
In her quaint, measured, firm tones, Her Majesty described her plan for world domination. “Look at what we have become as a nation,” she began. “We cannot even maintain decent oppression on Scotland and Ireland anymore. Wales has been ignoring us for decades and the Isle of Man… man they piss me off! My plan is to send out the Imperial British Navy to once more rein in these local irritants, recapture our old holdings in India, Africa and North America and even expand to new territories such as Togoland and Luxemburg. We should be able to take them.”
With a fire in her eyes that belied her advanced age (she’s older than sliced bread and penicillin), the smiling matriarch continued with her grand vision.
“Of course the aboriginals we encounter will have to be controlled. Reserves seemed to have worked in the past. Unfortunately, there’s a lot more savages in the US, for example, than the first time we went. What is there now? 32 million or so? Well, we’ve grown too with all those swarthy types we’ve let in.”