Doctors on Newt Gingrich Death Watch
WASHINGTON — Specialists were called in yesterday by the Newt Gingrich nomination team to rule whether the presidential hopeful’s primary campaign is still alive or gone the way of the dodo (the bird, not the candidate).
“It doesn’t look good,” Dr. Alfred Spin intoned shaking his head sadly. “I hate it when we lose one, but…”
The painfully suffering campaign has been valiantly struggling along, despite its obvious infirmities since failing to follow up early victories with… well… any more victories.
“Primary victories are like food to a political campaign and this poor case has been starving to death for weeks,” Dr. Spin continued after collecting himself. “No one in the medical community gave it a chance of surviving. It was especially obvious when the patient became delirious, talking about Mars bases and the like. Rapid degeneration as death approaches is all too common.”
High-ranking officials from the church attended by Gingrich’s campaign were on hand to provide the last rites.
“The Gingrich camp was certainly seen as being quite a character within our congregation,” said senior church official, Father Harry Bottoms. “But the good Lord loves everyone, even the utter failures.”