Gingrich’s Secret Service Agents “Would Rather Be Accused Of Hiring Colombian Prostitutes” Than Watch Him
ATLANTA – As the investigation surrounding Secret Service agents who hired several prostitutes in Cartagena, Columbia grows, most other agents in the Secret Service are embarrassed by their colleagues’ actions. The agents assigned to protect Newt Gingrich, however, have been grumbling that they envy their co-workers’ predicament, and can only dream about doing something salacious enough to warrant calls for a Congressional investigation.
As a presidential candidate, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich has been receiving protection for the past few months. Although most political pundits agree that Gingrich has no chance whatsoever of winning the Republican presidential nomination, he will continue getting Secret Service protection at the cost of tens of thousands of dollars per day, until he officially drops out of the race.
Agents that have been assigned to Gingrich’s flailing campaign report, anonymously, that their days have been extremely boring. “This protection assignment is mind numbing,” said one agent. “All we do is drive him around to look at zoos, eat at Denny’s, and sometimes go to a campaign event.”
Other agents assigned to Gingrich expressed the same feeling of pointlessness. “The worst part is, we all know that no one would even take the trouble to glitter-bomb him anymore,” sighed another agent. “It’s just so damn boring. We’ve thought about sneaking some prostitutes in while Gingrich takes a three-hour nap, which he does several times per day.”
When asked for his reaction to the fact that Secret Service agents assigned to him would rather be the subject of a Congressional investigation for using prostitutes while on a mission to protect the President, Gingrich was visibly angry; his emotions stewed like a well-braised loin of pork, which he happened to be eating at the time.
“It’s deeply insulting, frankly,” said the fork-tender candidate, in between mouthfuls. “Our campaign provides a unique experience for these agents. We’re pioneering a new type campaign, a new, fundamentally different style that is out-of-this-world exciting. Everyone should want to jump on the Newt Gingrich bus!”
When informed by an aide that their campaign could no longer afford a bus, Gingrich amended his remarks to suggest that everyone should jump into the ‘Gingrich Minivan Rented From Avis.’