North Korea Admits “We Launched Our Missile Into the Water, Uh, on Purpose”
PYONGYANG—North Korea found itself in a perilous situation with the rest of the world when it announced its April rocket launch. While North Korean officials insisted it was a purely scientific endeavor, the United Nations believed it was an attempt to test launch ballistic missile technology. Following the failure of the rocket launch on April 13th, North Korean officials have changed their statements, admitting their hostile intentions with the rocket launch.
“We didn’t mess up,” said North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. “I did exactly what I intended. I launched the rocket directly into the Yellow Sea.”
Jong-un’s statements are in reference to the failed test launch, which exploded approximately 150 kilometers above the ground then crashed into the Yellow Sea.
“Yeah, that’s what happened,” said Jong-un. “We did it on purpose. North Korean technology is the greatest in the world. This rocket launch was our first move in our war against the oceans of the world.”
“It’s true, I guess,” said North Korean Premier Choe Yong-rim. “We, uh, launched that rocket into the sky where it exploded. We did that because we are also at war with the birds…or something like that…and then it fell into the sea. The world had better watch out, or we’ll do it again. I swear to you by our Great Leader, we will launch another faulty, I mean advanced rocket into the sea!”
While the North Korean government is remaining steadfast behind its defense of the war on water, the rocket disaster has called into question Kim Jong-un’s leadership ability. Korans have begun to question whether or not the young leader can hold the weight of North Korea on his shoulders.
“Kim Jong-un may have to change his name,” said North Korean citizen Yang Hyong-sop. “Given his hit or miss leadership, maybe we should change his name to Kim Jong-um. The only question is how many ‘m’s to place at the end of his name. Is it Jong-um, or Jong-ummmmm?”
Hyong-sop suggested other possible names for the young leader, including Jong-ahhh, Jong-maybe, Jong-who-knows, and Jong-oh-no-he-didn’t!, before TWF’s interviewer stopped paying attention.