U.S. Navy Finally Develops “Gaydar” Device
By Thomas Moore
ANNAPOLIS—After years of development, the United States Navy has finally perfected a “Gaydar” device that can rapidly distinguish the sexual orientation of its service members.
“We need to know who these people are, and we need to know quickly,” said a Navy spokesperson. “We’ve found that the issue of homosexuals in the military affects morale, and that’s a vital aspect of every troop.”
The biggest problem with the device was calibrating it to find a standard of gayness. Eventually, after a series of highly scientific discussions, the low end of the meter was measured by actor Sean Connery and the high end was set by Dr. Marcus Bachmann, husband of Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann .
The level of radiation exposure caused some concern, but it was decided that homosexuality was a greater danger than cancer. The reasoning continues that since troops are already exposed to depleted uranium in the form of bullets and armor, it was unlikely that the soldiers could become any more infected than they already are.
“The military is pitched to young people as macho,” the spokesperson continued. “It’s a place where an eighteen-year-old can see the world, shoot guns, smoke, drink, get muscles, and hang out with a gang of his brothers. Having gay guys around just ruins the whole thing. I don’t see how you can be modern-day Spartans if some of the soldiers are gay and are trying to play with their own weapons instead of fighting the enemy. This gaydar device is the future of our nation.”
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