Apple Skirts Taxes, Government Taxes Skirts
CUPERTINO, CA — Apple has been accused of playing a financial shell game in order to avoid the billions in taxes the IRS says would otherwise be due. This has driven The (People’s) Republic of California and the Administration to propose new creative legislation.
Now that the summertime is here and hemlines are getting shorter than ever, California and D.C. are proposing “Above the Knee” taxes. All skirts which are designed to be worn, with a portion of leg above the knee left bare, will be taxed upon sale at a rate of 1 cent per inch of “visible thigh.”
“The gaping hole left by Apple’s legal yet immoral skirting of California’s and the Federal Government’s taxes has forced us to end school lunch programs and decrease teachers’ raises,” John Pennywise-Hightower, California Legislature Comptroller, told The Fancy on the way to a Senate retreat in the Lesser Antilles. “sThus we had to tax families and reinvigorate the rich’s war on women… except in California, a lot of men wear skirts too.”
Arguile MacGregor, of the National Scottish Highlanders of America, has led the opposition so far. In a letter to The Fancy, he stated that, “…the oppressive nature of the bill suggests that an all-out war on the centuries old tradition of the kilt. This will not be acceptable. And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!”
The League of Tall Women has submitted their opposition as well, claiming that there is a clear discrimination and disadvantage for those with “more taxable thigh potential.” The Playboy Mansion has also begun a petition to “End the War on Legs.”
California State House of Representatives will argue the bill, stating plainly that receiving the balance assumed due by Apple could solve the whole argument. The vote will be held after the Summer State Congressional Break, so that law-makers will have time to spend funds on pressing issues outside of their constituency.