Tapes Reveal Obama Has Not Had Any Affairs While in Office
The President shares a romantic moment with his wife, Michelle, to celebrate almost 3 years of fidelity.
By Delia Hersh
WASHINGTON—The American public and Speaker of the House John Boehner were equally shocked when audiotapes (procured somehow by Boehner) revealed that President Obama has not had an affair while in office.
“I’m flabbergasted,” a bemused Boehner told reporters. “When a miracle of Jesus—and certainly not a highly-trained Tea Party coalition, the Committee to Return Palin to Election (CREPE)—brought these tapes to my attention, I was sure we had Obama by Michelle’s balls. Turns out he’s just the upstanding gay Communist Muslim we always feared he was.”
More astounding than the tapes’ discovery has been the unexpected backlash of the American people to what should have been good news. According to polls taken across the country, finally having a trustworthy president has left most Americans confused and unbalanced.
“If he’s not a scumbag, who is he?” queried Betsy Bernstein of Palm Springs. “Just another shaygetz mensch. What’s this country coming to?”
Still more Americans expressed regret over the lack of valuable distraction that the discovery of the tapes could have provided. In the words of one anonymous source, “Casey Anthony was fun, but we need an affair or a hurricane, STAT.”
Former president Bill Clinton lauded Obama publicly, saying, ”Obama has achieved what few, if any men in his position have. I even offered him Hillary as a birthday present, and he said no and something about an icebox. That’s serious willpower, folks.”
Most sought-after has been the opinion of the woman of the hour, Michelle Obama. Early yesterday morning, this reporter successfully surprised her in the Rose Garden, planting flowers on her knees with 25-year-old head gardener, Emanuel Esposito.
“I know he hasn’t done anything,” a perturbed Michelle stated, unwrapping Esposito’s arm from around her waist. “He doesn’t have time, first of all, with his wars and recession and freeze-tag with Biden and the girls. No time. For anyone.”
When asked if she ever worried about the possibility of Obama cheating, the First Lady laughed out loud, while subtly adjusting her bra.
“Are you kidding me? He’s way too much of a baby. Besides, he knows I have the arm strength of a gorilla, and could crush his skull if I wanted. He’s not taking any chances.”
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