Sperm Demand Fair Treatment in Congress; “We Are People Too!”
By Sunny Yan
WASHINGTON – Last week, more than a 100 trillion sperm went on strike and demanded that proposed gender-equity amendments to anti-abortion bills be passed by state legislatures.
“It’s simply, really,” president of the National Organization for Sperm explained. “We just want the same love and attention that lawmakers have been giving to female eggs. We may be little, but we’re people, too!”
The sperm on strike support proposals by female legislators that men be mandated to receive prescriptions for erectile dysfunction medication; this includes Virginia State Senator Janet Howell’s (D) proposed amendment that would require an additional rectal exam, and Illinois Rep. Kelly Cassidy’s (D) initiative to make patients watch a graphic video of Viagra’s side effects.
“This is more of a message type of amendment,” Howell explained. She had no expectation for her bill to pass.
Now, sperm across the nation are demanding that legislators take these proposed amendments seriously. “We are tired of our rights being taken as a joke when female reproductive rights are considered legitimate issues,” protestor Ima Bean said.
The National Organization for Sperm not only publicly supports these amendments to anti-abortion and anti-contraceptive bills, but is now also pressuring legislators to pass a bill that would require men to bond with their own sperm. The proposed bill would mandate that men must keep a cup of their semen by their sides at all times for twenty-four hours a day, and if no meaningful relationship between the father and one of the million sperm within two weeks, only then would the doctor would prescribe Viagra.
Greg, a 22-year-old male college student, voluntarily participated in this procedure, and the National Organization for Sperm considers his experience “a model example of the benefits of such a proposed bill.”
“I’ve really bonded with these little guys,” Greg said, admiring his seed. “That’s Dave, and that’s Jerry, and the one hiding back there is Carl—he’s shy around strangers. The other day, I took Justin to a hockey game and Drew and I played catch in the backyard. These last two weeks have been wonderful, and I’ve really gotten to know all one million of my sperm. I think the government should definitely force a mandatory relationship between individuals and their reproductive cells, because now I’m going to really think twice before I masturbate.”
“At the end of the day, we are asking for nothing more than gender equality and equal respect for female eggs and male sperm, “the president of the National Organization for Sperm said. “And ultimately, we believe in the future success of this cause because we believe in the power of numbers.”
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Posted by SYan
on May 30 2012. Filed under Off The Hill.
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