Canadian Police, Conservative Party Officials Hopeful They Will Get Head
By Chris McKerracher
OTTAWA — The Conservative Party of Canada’s headquarters were buzzing with talk regarding a severed human foot that was sent to their offices yesterday. Hazardous materials teams from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police were called in to investigate the suspicious shipment.
Hours later, a human hand was also intercepted, mid-shipment, by the police force, although they declined to reveal the destination of the severed body part. Some officers, however, are openly admitting that they would much prefer head before a hand.
“We don’t want to panic people by suggesting a crazed maniac is going around killing innocent victims, chopping off their extremities and shipping them off to politicians,” stated RCMP spokesman Dudley Doright. “It is entirely possible the dismembered body part being shipped to the ruling party’s offices was simply a case of a bad address on a shipping label.”
“Although it is possible the discovery has a criminal connection,” added Doright, “it is entirely plausible this is all an innocent mix-up. Small package shipments go astray daily among courier companies.”
When pressed by reporters for details about who the victim might have been – or might still be, albeit challenged by such activities as walking or clapping – Doright was quite candid with the assembled press.
“Hands and feet are one thing, but what we really could use is some head. That would help us identify the victim and ensure no criminal activity was taking place.”
Police are not saying at this time if the case may be related to the severed feet that have been washing up on British Columbia and Washington State beaches since 2007.