After Miami Attack, President Calls for Int’l Summit on Zombie Defense Plan
By Chris Todd
WASHINGTON – This past week, there has been much national talk about a Miami man who, under the influence of drugs, attacked a homeless man and ate parts of his face. After hearing the news, Americans began worrying that a zombie outbreak had finally happened. President Obama wasted no time in enacting brand new protocols to quell the undead.
“As soon as the President heard about the incident in Miami, he sprung into action to protect Americans,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “He screamed something along the lines of ‘This is it!’ then grabbed a shovel before heading out to the White House lawn with a strange look in his eye. Apparently he had been preparing for this moment for quite some time.”
The President soon found out the attack was drug-induced, not an apocalyptic disease, and calmed down. He did, however, spend the afternoon drafting a National Zombie Attack Plan for the inevitable future apocalypse.
Sources close to the President have said the attack plan contains many safety measures including government-run safe zones, stock piles of fresh water, and a Cabinet seat for George Romero.
President Obama also made moves to create a global strategy for the potential zombie problem. He called a summit to discuss the zombie issue, inviting many of the world’s leaders to attend. Prime Ministers and Presidents alike were gathered at the White House, planning out a global strategy to thwart any possible zombie epidemic.
“We had some very tough conversations – things got a little heated” said British Prime Minister David Cameron. “The United States’ delegates wanted to invest in blunt objects while the EU wanted to put our money into shotguns and ammo. Greece wanted to research a cure, but who’s going to pay for that? Not us.”
An agreement was reached by the end of the summit by all of those in attendance for a global zombie strategy. A summary of the plan was released to the public, including suggested weapons and survival techniques. However, the bulk of the plan is just a list of movies President Obama thinks you “just HAVE to watch.”
Republicans have been quick to note that the plan has a few major flaws – mainly that it will only work in the case of slow moving, lumbering zombies and not a fast 28 Days Later variety zombie. Republicans plan on filibustering any legislation until they can figure out whether killing, or preserving, a zombie would be considered pro-life.