Courier Mule Allegedly Smuggled Donald Trump into U.S.
By Sunny Yan
NEW YORK — In a news week dominated by Donald Trump’s disbelief that President Obama was born in the United States, an anonymous man has come forth to claim himself as the “mule” who transported Trump from his original birthplace to America approximately sixty-six years ago.
The international carrier used a technique known as body packing, which involves an individual transporting goods within his/her body and then excreting the product once the desired location has been reached.
“I swallowed two balloons: one containing Donald Trump, and the other his toupee,” the anonymous carrier explained. “When I crossed the U.S. border, I [expletive] out both.”
Donald Trump denies ever being emitted from a mule, although the carrier’s testimony suggests otherwise.
“Donald Trump? I definitely transported him. How could I ever forget the time that I found a little fuzzy orange with dentures in my toilet? That’s something you never forget, you know?” the carrier said.
The carrier admits that Trump was a difficult man to please even before the day of excretion. Trump tried to fire the carrier during the delivery process and would yell, “You’re fired!” while still in the man’s gastrointestinal tracts. “Trump was a pain in the ass—literally. But I just ate some spicy food to shut him up,” the carrier said.
Trump has denied all of the anonymous carrier’s claims and has repeatedly stated that he was born in Queens, New York. A designated spokesman of the area, however, issued a statement declaring, “We do not associate with Mr. Donald Trump or share his beliefs. We already are committed to supporting another overrated and underachieving embarrassment: The New York Mets.”
Amidst this new controversy and pressure to prove his origin of birth, Trump has stated that he will not be releasing his birth certificate. “I refuse to release my birth certificate because I think to do so would be racist—because I’m white,” Trump explained.
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