New White House Leak: “Bieber” Songs Used as Torture Method at Guantanamo Bay
Guantanamo officials have yet to confirm which Bieber songs are being played to the inmates, yet many
By Sunny Yan
GUANTANAMO BAY — In a week dominated by leaks of classified intelligence, a new leak has emerged regarding the latest torture method being currently employed against detainees at Guantanamo Bay detention camp. This new interrogation method is being dubbed “Bieber Fever.”
The prisoner is forced to listen to the music of tween pop sensation, Justin Bieber, after which point the prisoner experiences the symptoms of this illness, which include crying hysterically, shrill shrieking, high-pitched yelling, fainting, seizures, and an overwhelming desire to stroke another person’s overgrown hair. In this deranged state, it has been proven that the prisoner will release sensitive information.
Amnesty International, as well as other critics of this “enhanced interrogation technique,” decry listening to Justin Bieber as torture and condemn it as both illegal and immoral.
“President Obama promised that he would close Guantanamo by 2010 - a promise that he has not kept,” an anonymous senior law enforcement official said. “Now, what we see happening are even more heinous methods being employed against detainees behind closed doors—case in point, Justin Bieber. I personally would rather be waterboarded than have to listen to that little man squirrel.”
This latest leak has only fueled conservative critics’ accusations that the White House is purposefully releasing important national security secrets to enhance President Obama’s image for his upcoming re-election.
“This newest leak is extremely irresponsible, and is just a continuation of an unprecedented release of classified information steeped in selfish political motivatiosn that directly affects our national security, “ Sen. John McCain said. “The intent here is to make President Obama appear more tough and more of a ‘manly man’ by connecting him with Justin Bieber.”
Besides from presenting President Obama in a favorable light, there is also someone else who benefits from this newest leak: Justin Bieber himself, who has just released a new single entitled “Boyfriend.”
Justin Bieber denies any claims that he leaked the information and would not comment on this latest development.
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