North Korean Olympic Team Likely to Win Inaugural Hunger Games Event
By William Celloutte
LONDON – A surprise victory for the first ever North Korean Olympic Team. In a historic sweep, the North Korean Men’s and Women’s Hunger Games teams swept the event’s Olympic debut. North Korea beat out other competing nations such as Somalia, Haiti, Tajikistan and the Central African Republic.
Patterned after the popular book series and feature film, the controversial new Olympic event features all the terror, mayhem and betrayal of the games depicted by The Hunger Games.
Author of the novels, Suzanne Collins, issued the following statement after the North Korean victory; “You’re all sick, just sick. This was supposed to be an apocalyptic dystopia and you are helping to bring it to fruition! What is wrong with all of you!?”
North Korea’s state media also filled the airwaves today with multiple announcements touting their victorious Olympic team. The new Supreme Leader Kim Jung Un proclaimed today a national day of celebration, lauding the nation’s Olympians and reminding them that their families are still in state custody until they return.
It was quite the site to see the North Korean athletes react to the raising of their flag and the customary playing of the 3-hour long North Korean national anthem. Had their bodies been healthy, it is certain their eyes would have been wet enough to produce tears.
Additionally, because music is banned in North Korea, it was the first time the athletes had heard their national anthem, andalso the first time that the Chinese actors hired to play North Korean citizens heard it.
“Apparently, I have been training for this sport all my life,” said North Korean Olympian Kim Young Si. “Growing up, we just called it going to get breakfast.”
“We were concerned that we would fail and break the grand North Korean tradition of sweeping the medals in every event as we have done since the nation was first founded,” commented fellow Olympian Lee Kyung Su. “My country has done that right?” Before he could finish his next statement Mr. Lee was ushered away by two large North Korean “fans.”
All athletes seem very excited to take home the gold, silver, and bronze medals for their country, which will be promptly melted down and sold for black market rocket parts once they reach the country.
“I hope when we return they will take a picture Dear Leader looking at us” hoped Song Kwang Ju. “Maybe then we can be in that tumblr that everyone has been talking about.”
At news time, the location of Mr. Lee was still unknown and Mr. Song issued a statement apologizing for earlier mentioning tumblr as “ there is no such thing as tumblr, the internet and servings of rice larger than 6 ounces.”