Congress Plans to Fix the Economy, Unemployment by Manufacturing More Crises
By Cy Guevara
WASHINGTON D.C. – Congress has again put aside partisan differences to come together and further damage the US economy.
House and Senate vowed to deal with mass unemployment by manufacturing more crises than ever before, marking the first return of US-based manufacturing in decades. Congress is confident this will work, as their mastery in mass-producing crises has been impressive and self-evident—from downgrading the US credit rating to every budget battle or regulation reform in between.
“We may not be much good at legislation, cooperation or representation,” turtle impersonator and Senator Mitch McConnell said from a press conference held within his inner shell, “but when it comes to creating crises out of thin, hot air, or blowing hot-button booboos all out of proportion, our Congress are artists and craftsmen—nobody blows like us.” He also said, “Exit to the right and please leave the lettuce.”
The stock markets were quick to reflect confidence in this manufactured boon, with wealth inequality, a bleeding economy, and tax evasion all up 800 points. McConnell swears that “aside from more hookers,” Wall Street and Congress will compound the dismal 8.2% unemployment numbers by “making them considerably worse.” Through further cuts to social safety programs, state budgets and laying off public employees, they hope to “let folks die a bit faster.”
Across the nation, wasteful spending on education, nurses, firefighters, police, rescue-workers and all non-hookers is finally being reigned in, while construction workers, civil engineers and all union jobs and salaries are still dropping like a faulty elevator. In response, the US House of Representatives has refused to pass even the Transportation Bill, a bill already approved by the Senate, which has been around for as long as America has had planes or highways. Instead, public funds from taxed labor will be saved for important projects like subsidizing billionaires, Boeing, and a new ‘Jets for Hookers’ program.
With their majority, Republicans introduced 2.8 million bills on procreation and relationships while shooting each iteration of Obama’s proposed Jobs Bill in the face. Key Democrats remain powerless, stupefied by the record profits of the private sector and their generous campaign contributions. While businesses, sitting on record profits, swear to “not create jobs in the US when there are no customers in sight,” as all “US customers” apparently “need a freaking job” before they can “afford to pay for all this stuff” from China.
As Latinos stop sneaking in to be paid less to do the jobs Americans don’t like, and as Asians continue to emigrate to be paid more forthe jobs Americans don’t understand, the only solid investment left for corporate interests is in buying up politicians and an expensive product called “free speech.” The Judiciary Branch was instrumental in paving the way for this; through the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision, a supermajority of citizens can now remain divided and very quiet.
With all the free time US citizens save from being able to sit out of the electoral process, most say they will turn to creating “origami” from cardboard boxes and “leaving.” Beyond a shadow of a Dubai, the recent win in Wisconsin proved to Congress and their private-sector financiers that the squeaky voice of people being trampled can be drowned out by the much louder voice of big money.
At last check, that loud voice was heard saying: “Hey, can you check my teeth? I feel like I got a teacher stuck in there. Also, send in more politicians and hookers.”