God Announces Discovery of “Human Particle”
By Chris McKerracher
HEAVEN ON EARTH — In an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy, God has announced the discovery of “The Human Particle”.
The Deity sat in on a recent editorial board meeting at the palatial WF Headquarters in the nation’s capital to discuss his discovery.
TWF: Is the discovery of Your so-called “Human Particle” connected with the CERN group’s discovery of the “God Particle”?
God: I knew you would ask Me that. But then I know everything being omniscient and all. Nonetheless, let Me just say that ALL particles are God particles and I love each and every one of them equally. Except helium particles, of course; which make my big, booming, voice sound like one of the Chipmunks. The Human Particle, however, is a quite different from the Higgs-Boson, since it doesn’t have to be accelerated to near-light speeds in a collider to occur. In fact, it occurs naturally among humans, every time they are nice to one another with no expectation of a reward. It is much rarer than the Higgs-Boson particle I let the CERN folks discover.
TWF: So what is the Human Particle? Is it a quark or a proton? Or maybe some kind of neutrino?
God: What do I know from neutrinos? I’m an omnipotent deity, not a physics geek. I have people for that.
TWF: How will mankind be affected by the revelation of the Human Particle?
God: I have no expectations there will be any impact. Knowing what the right thing to do is vastly different than doing it. Unfortunately, the Human Particle has an incredibly short half-life measured in nano-seconds. It’s almost as short as Lindsay Lohan’s attention span.
TWF: Speaking of Lindsay Lohan…
God: I’d rather not. Hey, we all screw up at work, don’t we? I think she was created on the Second Day.
TWF : So, can we assume this “Human Particle” of yours can be described as altruism?
God: Yes… the act of doing positive works for their own virtue. I fully expected humans to be good for nothing.
TWF: By “saying “good for nothing” you mean being a good person for no reason?
God: Okay, sure. Whatever.
TWF: Is there anything else you may want to add?
God: If I were you guys, I’d pay more attention to the Human Particle than the God Particle. Don’t make me come down there again.