McDonald’s Boosts Product Line with “McBurger Burgers,” “Sugar Shakes”
By Spencer Frenchman
NEW YORK — Hello carb counters, gym freaks, and casual cocaine users looking to shed those extra pounds; stop your tireless efforts and look no further than your local McDonald’s.
In response to the success of Wal-Mart and Michelle Obama’s healthy food initiative, Mcdonald’s has fired back and come up with a new product line of healthy foods in an effort to both re-brand and combat the obesity epidemic.
First on the menu is the McBurger Burger… Burger. It’s your classic bacon cheeseburger, but instead of a bun, there are two more burgers. McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner, the brains behind this creation, stated publicly that the health benefits are derived from the extra fat that comes with consuming extra burgers. “Fat clogs you up and prevents more bad stuff from coming in,” he said in a statement on Thursday concerning the new product line.
Along with the McBurger Burger… Burger, Skinner also described his favorite item on the McDonalds menu: The Sugar Shake. “It’s a milkshake with added sugar.”
“Studies have shown that sugar makes your heart beat faster, and your heart beating faster makes you burn calories, and thus you lose weight,” stated a smiling, contented, unnamed McDonald’s patron. “You are essentially not only consuming a delicious shake, but also working out and burning calories in the process.”
Both products will be injected with tobacco and small amounts of cocaine. The tobacco “leads to addiction and an addiction to healthy eating habits,” stated Skinner. The cocaine “further increases the heart rate, which results in the shedding of extra pounds in preparation for beach season.”
In order to test the product’s health effects on America’s obese population, Ronald McDonald paid a visit to one very special Washington, D.C. elementary school. The students were each given a free sugar shake one hour before a math class. Upon returning to their classrooms, the kids were so excited to learn that they, according to Jim Skinner, were bouncing off the walls.