Assad Apologizes for Violent Crackdown; “I Thought I was Playing a Video Game”
By Chris Todd
NEW YORK – In a recent public announcement made to all Syrians, President Bashar Assad apologized for the violence in his recent crackdown against political dissidents, claiming he thought the actions were just part of a really cool Xbox game.
“I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I have done to my own people,” said President Assad. “Why didn’t anybody tell me it was real life? I guess I really should have known that the graphics were too good to be true.”
In his speech, President Assad made sure to announce that he will be stopping all violent crackdowns on the protests but will not be stepping down as leader of the country. Meanwhile, Assad has consistently used all of the force behind him to squash protestors’ spirits and bodies.
Despite his failure to tell the difference between a violent video game and the terror of a civilian massacre, President Assad stated his belief that he is still an effective leader. “I will step down if anybody can give me one good reason I should,” he said in his address. “But please don’t use the excuse ‘you killed my daughter and burnt my house down,’ because that’s not fair, since I thought I would get 10 gold coins for doing it.”
Hillary Clinton is unsure what to make of this statement from President Assad. She claims to be pleased that he is apologizing for his actions and discontinuing further violence. However, she is concerned that diplomatic relations with a man that cannot tell the difference between the screams of a dying woman and the grunt of a dying alien in Halo might be difficult. She has decided the best course of action is to place further sanctions on the country.
“We have placed restrictions on the types of games Assad is allowed to play. From now on the leader of Syria will only be allowed to play sports games and Rock Band. We are confident that after he gets tired of playing drums to Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage,” he will opt to step down in favor of democracy.”