Romney Tries Daring New Strategy to Court Gay Republican Voters
By Andrew Bryant
BOSTON — Earlier this week, Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney of Massachusetts was spotted at the court house in Boston, allegedly in order to submit the paperwork for his official name change.
His name-to-be: Mittens Romney.
“After long and careful consideration,” explained Romney’s top aide, “we have decided that it would be in the best interest of this campaign for us to make this change.” Officials close to the decision reaffirmed to the press that “…in no way does this name change represent a change in Mr. Romney’s sexual orientation, but merely a step to better assimilate his campaign with the gay community.”
It has become apparent that the name change is only the latest homo-erotic ploy used by Republicans in order to garner the affection of the GOProud voters. It hasn’t been that long since Rep. Ron Paul was spotted applying Just For Men to his eyebrows in order to appear more “metrosexual and ravishing,” as he himself phrased it.
John Haverny, longtime Republican voter, tells The Washington Fancy “I believe Mittens Romney did the right thing… gays love that cute and cuddly sh**.”
Reports of the change are beginning to pop-up all over the web, with sites such as TouchedByMittens.com and MittenSwag.com gathering the most page views.
“If Metta World Peace can do it, so can Mittens!” posts an excited web-goer.
The Fancy managed to track down Newt Gingrich at an Orlando McDonald’s this morning and asked for his take on the strategy.
“Genius move,” says Gingrich between mouthfuls, “and I would’ve done the same thing if I could…’Newt’ is already pretty damn gay though.”