State GOP Passes Law Barring Corporations from Gay-Marrying Each Other
By Garrett Baldwin
RALEIGH — The North Carolina State Legislature passed a law on Tuesday that bars corporations from marrying other corporations, citing the umbrella law passed last year that barred homosexual marriage in the state as justification.
The Supreme Court Citizens United decision in 201- ruled that “corporations are people” and have the same God-given First Amendment rights as the average American citizen. The North Carolina GOP argued that they have the same capacity to take away the right of corporations to marry, just as the state did in 2011 by opposing marriage between same-sex couples.
“Yes, my friends. Corporations are people,” said GOP state Representative David Macalitis. “And like people in this state, they aren’t allowed to have any of that ‘homosexual’ marriage.”
The ruling that bars inter-corporation marriage was a bit of a surprise, given the pro-corporation legislation that has been passed in the state in recent years. But some spokesmen for the state GOP are concerned that a few corporations that were born a “certain way” will be likely not to donate any money to their candidates come November.
“American Express is really upset, because it’s been dating Delta Airlines for the better part of two years. To look American Express in the eye and tell it, “You can’t be happy and be with the airline you love forever” is absolutely heartbreaking. I have no idea how this will play out. I sort of expect a steep decline in fundraising cash. Most of our best donors – Office Max, PetSmart, Mutual of Omaha – they’re all gay.”
Other controversial laws that incorporate companies’ newfound existence as people have been proposed for the coming legislative week. The Browning Amendment, sponsored by the state representative of the same name, is by far the most controversial new law. If passed, the bill would allow state police to “corpo-racially profile” companies that sell sports apparel after 9 pm.
Still some individuals attack the Citizens United ruling in the first place, stating it’s wildly illogical to judge large corporations or unions as “people.”
“If corporations are people, then how will they get a voter ID card to vote in the upcoming election?” asked a man in a horse costume. “It’s completely biased against corporations because corporations aren’t going to be able to drive a car to get a voter ID and then be able. What forms of ID are they going to use to prove who they are? And think about the fraud – oh, the fraud – when Pepsi walks into the DMV pretending to be Coca Cola!”
Calls to Intel, which is currently cheating on Microsoft with Google, were unreturned on Wednesday.