NY Yankees Sign Wrong “Suzuki,” Hire Famous Geneticist Instead of Outfielder
By Chris McKerracher
NEW YORK — The New York Yankees, due to a clerical error, have signed internationally renowned geneticist and environmental activist, Dr. David Suzuki to a long term contract.
The Yankee management had been trying to gain the services of Japanese-born pitcher Ichiro Suzuki from the Seattle Mariners when the paperwork glitch occurred.
“I’m really excited about this opportunity,” enthused Dr. Suzuki in a telephone interview. “Being a professional whiner is great and all, but to make it to the Big Show is something altogether different. I might even get some positive press in the newspapers!”
Ichiro Suzuki was not nearly as positive about the development.
“Are you kidding me?” the Mariner’s ex-outfielder blurted out. “The guy is, like, ninety years old. He thinks “ERA” stands for “Environmental Research Agency”.
Responding to Ichiro’s assertions, Dr. Suzuki gave no quarter.
“I’m old?” Geneticist Suzuki spat. “The other Suzuki is 38. That’s no spring chicken in the big leagues. He’s washed up. Time for him to step aside and make way for new talent.”
The management team of the New York Yankees refused comment but issued a press release claiming they had trouble telling the two Suzukis apart.