New “Obama Doctrine” Trusts Syria Not to Use WMDs After Assad “Gave His Word”
Government officials are uncertain as to why Obama is hesitant to fully back the rebels, although he has placed full trust in Assad.
By Brandon J. Weichert
ALEPPO/ WASHINGTON – In recent weeks, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad confessed that the Syrian regime did possess Weapons of Mass Destruction, but reassured the international community that he would reserve those “Tools of Liberation only for Godless Foreigners like the Christian Crusaders and Zionist Pigs.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney reacted this morning by saying, “I think that we can all finally breathe a sigh of relief that at last we see a light at the end of this tunnel. President Assad has made his intentions clear to all and has placed necessary limitations on how far he is willing to go. President Obama is quite convinced that by taking the WMD issue off the table, Assad is acting rationally and therefore, is no longer a cause of concern. We can at last move on to focusing on matters of real concern like Mitt Romney’s tax returns.”
This admission of possessing WMDs, and the subsequent promise to use them only if attacked by foreigners was lauded in European capitals—most notably Paris— as a “meaningful step toward the direction of peace and greater cultural understanding” on the part of the Assad Regime.
Mohammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, known to Western audiences as “Baghdad Bob,” was contacted for this interview to comment about the implication of Syria’s admission about possessing WMDs. His response; “It’s a brilliant media strategy. Our [the Saddam Hussein Iraqi government] mistake was claiming that we didn’t have WMDs. We should have admitted to possessing the WMDs we didn’t have, but given our vow only to use those weapons if attacked by foreigners! And we should’ve only slaughtered the Kurds and Shiites with conventional weapons! That would have been believable.”
He furthered himself by stating, “That Assad is a clever man. I’ll be kicking myself in the head for the rest of my life for not thinking that creatively. Think of how much better things would have been in Iraq with Saddam still in power had I just crafted a better media strategy!”
The Obama Administration’s response has been well-received in most academic circles. Dean of the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard and noted political scientist, Joseph S. Nye, Jr., stated that with the Obama Administration’s acceptance of Assad’s word, “We have finally embraced the concept of ‘Smart Power,’ and after four years, we are finally seeing the emergence of an Obama Doctrine!”
Indeed, Russian President Vladmir Putin also believes that the Obama Doctrine’s tactic of accepting dictators at their word and learning to “live with” hostile regimes is the best thing for America. “After all”, he stated, “Such policies of détente were beneficial to the United States during the Cold War—the 1970s were a golden age of sorts for the American and Russian peoples, we should try to get back to that. And I think we finally are.”
Of course, this news has not been met positively in all quarters. Several human rights groups and national security experts have noted the absurdity of “living with” a regime that has demonstrated a willingness to kill tens of thousands of its own people now having an arsenal of WMDs. The White House, though, proclaimed that such contrarian views to the Obama Doctrine were “the kinds of short-sighted, culturally insensitive, cowboy antics that dominated the foreign policy of the Bush Administration. It isn’t our job to stand opposed to genocide and the proliferation of WMDs – especially when we have to save this country from another year in the George W. Bush Economy.”
Another reason the Obama Administration has been so hesitant to get involved in the Syrian resistance is because of the ambiguity surrounding the “pro-democratic” rebels among intelligence officials. “We are obviously disappointed not to have the aid of the Americans. Yet, they must realize that once we topple this vicious madman, we will have a democracy where women, Shiites, homosexuals, and liberals know their place!”
He further added, “And once we have that democracy we will let the Christian Crusaders and Jewish Pig-Dogs know how powerful we are with those big bombs that the Madman Assad has built!”
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Posted by BWeichert
on Aug 3 2012. Filed under Administration.
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