Romney Ineligible for Presidency Due to “Extraordinary Personal Morality,” Say Democratic Strategists
By Brandon J. Weichert
CHICAGO—After many months of searching for anything in Mitt Romney’s background to attack him with and coming up with nothing (save for questions of tax impropriety), Democrats are coming up with a new controversial talking point: Governor Romney is simply “too good” to be President.
“We’ve known for some time that Romney was going to be the guy to beat,” said David Axelrod, Obama’s Chicago-based campaign manager. “We’ve been digging into his past for a while now, and all we could turn up was a few bizarre shell corporations here and there.” He added angrily, “We can’t make a few tax improprieties a centerpiece of our campaign against Governor Romney—if we did, every politician would be disqualified from running for office!”
The issue of Mitt Romney not having much baggage in his background has been a problem that the most astute political pundits have seen coming. According to FOX News’ effervescent Megyn Kelly, “There is absolutely nothing that can be gotten on Mitt Romney: he doesn’t beat his wife, he doesn’t cheat, he loves his kids, doesn’t drink, he doesn’t even take the occasional bribe! And that hair—my God—he’s so dreamy!”
Kelly’s colleague, the outspoken Bill O’Reilly, accused Romney of being “more vanilla than Tim Pawlenty! You can’t ever report anything on this guy because he’s just so darn clean!”
Many analysts are actually claiming that these facts are negatives for Mr. Romney and that the Democrats are wise to exploit this apparent weakness. “Many of our presidents have been serial philanderers, liars, bigots, smokers, and drinkers—these were guys you could root for, much less vote for!” explained the exuberant James Carvale. “With Romney, people just feel like he’s too good for them. They’d rather feel like they’re being cheated, not judged!”
Even President Obama waded into this issue earlier today at a campaign rally. “We live in a world of gray: we’ve got leaders who wantonly slaughter their own people, who routinely lie to and steal from others, and we have to deal with them. The worst possible thing for America is to have a leader that guys like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Bashar Assad can’t relate to. When the President steps off of Air Force One to negotiate missile defense with a leader who just illegally attacked and conquered another nation, that leader needs to feel he’s got someone to work with on the other side of the table. Who do you think that person is going to be? A successful businessman who doesn’t swear or lie, or a career academic who has presided over the worst economy in thirty years? I think you know who you want in your corner.”
Even Mitt Romney’s long-time friend and top campaign adviser, Eric Fehrnstrom, told The Washington Fancy that, “I was extremely worried about getting involved with the Romney Campaign initially. I’ve known Mitt for many years. He lives a clean life, loves his wife, and is very successful. So when he told me he was running for President, I immediately said to myself, ‘This guy is way too wholesome for 21st century America! Philanderers like Newt Gingrich are going to chew him up and spit him out! He’s so clean, he couldn’t even lie about having killed a prostitute whilst in a coke-induced haze in the 1970s!’” When I asked what changed his mind, he stated, “The tax issue. It at least gives him a fighting chance to be seen as a political bad boy.”
Steve Schmidt, a Republican political operative and former campaign manager for John McCain’s failed 2008 bid, stated, “Since Bill Clinton’s presidency, many of us senior Republican insiders have lamented the fact that the Democrats beat us in the ‘Race to the Bottom’ in terms of moral standards. We thought for sure that between David Vitter and Larry Craig’s dalliances we would have achieved our long-sought goal of being exonerated of rigorous moral standards, but those scandals only served to increase the expectation of morality within the Republican Party! Romney represents the full evolution of those expectations. How can we hope to win with such a record of honesty and success?”
Bill Clinton had been contacted for a comment on this piece, but his office claimed that he was out buying new cigars and therefore, “indisposed.”
It is quite clear that the Democrats may have a winning strategy on their hands. Since adopting the tactic of showing how Romney is a person of “Impeccable Moral Character,” recent polls in vital swingsStates like Florida and Ohio have suggested that the Obama Campaign is leading, and that President Obama has far higher favorability ratings than his opponent does.
Richard Gibbs summed it up best; “When people think ‘Mitt Romney,’ they think ‘Aqua Velva’; when people think ‘Barack Obama,’ they think ‘Mea Culpa.’ People take self-loathing amateurs every time over good-looking overachievers. They just don’t care for that kind of success being shoved in their faces.”