BREAKING: Massive Bipartisan, Reconciliatory Orgy Planned in Washington After Election
Proponents of the post-election orgy claim that, with divisive bipartisanship jeopardizing national success, America needs "a day of sincere, bipartisan make-up sex."
By Chester B. Wonderful
WASHINGTON — A massive clusterf@ck of a sex romp has been planned for the day after the nation election, according to secret documents obtained by the Center for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.
Dubbed “The Romp in the Swamp, nearly 1,000 Republicans, Democrats, their lobbyists friends, and staffers will come together for one reconciliatory day of “f@%&ing and s!*#ng” until “all of the bad feelings from negative campaigning are cast aside in one thunderous, Capitol orgasm.”
The event is scheduled to take place at the Capitol Hill Suites 200 C Street, SE on November 7, just hours after the media calls the election for either Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. According to the documents prepared by the executive committee, the initial password to attend is “Fidelio.”
“This whole event really shows just how twisted these people [in Washington] are,” said David Losman, an advocacy for responsible government and reduced budgets. “They spend months and months screwing the people out of their tax dollars, and then they take an entire day off just to spend tax money on sex parties. This is what we’ve come to?”
But government staffers argue that, this year, such recreational relief is required.
With this year’s election expected to run the most negative campaigns since the 1828 race between Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams, both the GOP and the DNC felt it was necessary to plan an event where candidates and a select group of advocates could “have angry sex” with the people they battle every day – just to “get it out of their system.”
“I spend all year listening to this hot guy at the World Wildlife Fund yell about how I’m killing all the polar bears,” said Lisa Wilson, an oil and gas lobbyist at Brenner, Belt and Lannigan. “I can’t stand him. We hate each other. But he and I already agreed that “THIS” is happening. I’m going to duct tape his mouth shut and introduce him to God for one night.”
Despite the excitement by some, it appears that certain leaders still haven’t received the memo, or have attempted to turn this into a party-line attack on opponents, particularly DNC chairwoman Debbie Wasserman-Shultz .
“Here we have Republicans and the G.O.P. and George Bush ruining the economy, and now they want to have a giant sex romp with lobbyists and the oil companies that are bankrupting America,” said Wasserman-Shultz. “This is just business as usual from the GOP. Perverted minds. Perverted economics.”
But Wasserman’s criticism doesn’t appear to carry much water. When asked about the fact that Wasserman-Shultz’s name was on both the guest list and the committee in charge of floral arrangements, the Congresswoman angrily barked, “It doesn’t count when Democrats do it, you idiot.”
The event will kick off with a nude slow dance between preselected partners whose names will be drawn from a spinning bingo ball contraption. Participants are encouraged to wear masks and costumes similar to the infamous mansion orgies from the film Eyes Wide Shut. The 12-hour event will also conclude with a nude slow dance to the song “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men.
The proposed event has had a mixed reception from the public. Antwon Marshall, a truck driver and father of three, said that the event seemed to promote promiscuity. “I have three daughters who look up to me, and I do my best to show them the right way. But here, our leaders aren’t acting as role models. They are acting with lust, and that’s not what I want my children to see from our leaders.”
But some individuals thought the event was a perfect metaphor and conclusion to a long four years of partisan politics. “I think this orgy is an incredible idea,” said Washington cab driver Jonathan Ford. “I’ve been saying this for five years… ‘These people can go ‘eff’ themselves.’ It seems like they’re finally going to do it.”
Calls to the GOP were not returned, as most workers at the office were in Canada buying illegal Viagra for the event.
Posted by 
