Oliver Stone Leaks New Details Surrounding “Romneyhood” Film, A “Masterpiece Biopic”
A teaser frame from "Romneyhood" depicts President Obama (presumably played by Will Smith) winks at a top aide to remind her about stopping into his office "for a word."
By Brandon J. Weichert
LOS ANGELES—Oliver Stone is making another political film, or so say Hollywood insiders. The film—with the working title of “Romneyhood”—is based primarily off of the inscrutably factual musings of Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and described as portraying a “schizophrenic and paranoid Romney, divorced from reality, obsessed with standing on the backs of the poor, and a man ensconced in crony capitalism.”
“It’s a valentine to my fans, and more importantly to the truth,” said Stone in an interview with The Washington Fancy.
Production on the film was supposed to start next year—well after the election—but after the Obama campaign began to kick up the “Class War” rhetoric and Romney’s surprising running mate choice, Stone was “compelled to cut through the fog and present the unvarnished truth to America and the world.”
The film, which Stone describes lovingly as “Gordon Gekko with Magic Underwear,” isn’t your average biopic, either. It truly combines the elements that made Stone such a popular filmmaker. Parts of the script have already been leaked by moderate Republican website, Sh*tOnDemocrats.org.
In what is clearly a reference to this week’s controversial Huffington Post article purporting Romney’s links to Nicaraguan death squads in the eighties, the film opens with a young, “ripped” Mitt Romney “trudging through the jungles of Nicaragua—like Sylvester Stallone in the first Rambo film or The Expendables—holding a chain gun, spewing Mormon pieties of goodwill, bearing a necklace of the ears of poor villagers taken with his anticommunist comrades. He sports the nametag ‘Bain’ etched on his chest (‘Bain’ being his nickname, for it means ‘pain’ in the dialect of one of the local tribes that Romney’s CIA-backed, Reagan-era death squad slaughtered).”
All of this is done as Romney orders one of his men (portrayed by Dolph Lundgren) to fire their “covert Cancer Gun into a Halliburton-owned sweatshop full of Nicaraguan orphans.” He laughs and explains to Lundgren’s character that the attack was part of a big practical joke he’s “playing on Dick [Cheney].”
In a particularly gut-wrenching scene, Romney’s ire falls upon an unsuspecting employee that Romney decides to destroy. He fires the employee and then doses the former employee’s wife with a highly concentrated form of Aspartame called “The Donald Rumsfeld Special,” which takes six years to cause breast cancer.
Of course, no factually based Oliver Stone biopic is complete without a litany of supporting characters. “Paul Ryan is the Bud Fox [Charlie Sheen’s character in Wall Street] of the film.” He will be portrayed by Justin Bieber, sparking more critiques that the actors in Stone’s biopics look more like caricatures of, rather than duplicates of their real-life counterparts.
The film features an array of other characters that one wouldn’t think were associated with Romney. For instance, Bernie Madoff makes an appearance in the film—portrayed by Jack Nicholson—as Romney’s tax adviser and the man who funnels all of his stolen assets offshore.
“It’s an allegory,” Stone said, defending his choice to depict Romney as having been in cahoots with noted embezzler Bernie Madoff.
Still another controversial figure that plays heavily in the film is Warren Jeffs (noted polygamist who was jailed for abducting underage girls and marrying them), as portrayed by Gary Oldman, who serves as Romney’s chief spiritual adviser and describes himself as the “Witch-King of Mormons.” In the film, Jeffs is depicted as engaging in “sacrifices,” using the blood of his underage wives (one being portrayed by Dakota Fanning) to keep Governor Romney’s hair “immortal.”
Many Mormons are highly offended by this scene in particular, as it inaccurately depicts the process of “Spiritual Follicle Transference,” according to the Church of the Latter Day Saints’ spokesperson, Bartholomew Reynard VI.
Romney Campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul questioned the film’s fairness, stating that “the young girl [Fanning] being sacrificed in the film would have had health insurance under Romneycare!”
“The truth hurts,” said actor John Goodman, who plays Newt Gingrich. In one poignant scene, he waxes eloquently about the need for “giant space mirrors to light our highways,” while his wife Callista (played by Glenn Close) looks on lovingly between bites from a Godfather’s Pizza sausage pie. Newt later engages in a Roman-style orgy with his two ex-wives and fellow 2012 Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain (played by Morgan Freeman).
There is still no word on who will portray Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, though insiders are stating that Stone is looking at Christian Bale to “capture the endless darkness” of Romney and Will Smith to “capture the shining light of Obama.”
Critics like Roger Ebert of the Chicago Tribune are already saying this film is shaping up to be Oliver Stone’s most accurate work, yet that “it undoubtedly captures the truth of Romneyhood in an endless, artistically nonsensical diatribe of a film.” There is also a great deal of Oscar buzz around this film.
Fair-minded philanthropist billionaires George Soros and Warren Buffett are major financial donors to the film’s production who will “ensure the film’s objectivity,” according to a Soros Foundation spokesperson.
“I don’t do it for the awards or to sway the elections,” remarked Stone, “I do it because I am married to the truth. I dropped a lot of acid when I was in Vietnam; therefore, I think I’m the only one qualified to know reality from fantasy.”
Romneyhood is coincidentally set to premiere the day before the election, November 5th, in key swing states.
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Oliver Stone is CIA.
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