Biden Clarifies Gaffe: “Obama keeps ME in chains in White House Basement,” Reports Abuses of Office
"Not since Dan Quayle held the office has so much torture been visited upon a Vice-President!” - Joe Biden
By Brandon J. Weichert
WASHINGTON — New sources have revealed that Vice President Joe Biden’s warning to a predominantly African-American audience in Danville, Virginia that Republican hopeful Mitt Romney would “keep y’all in chains” was in fact a gaffe, but not in the sense that most understood. Apparently, Biden fumbled his words, and truly meant to state that it is he who is being kept in chains – by President Barack Obama.
“That event [in Danville] was the first time I had seen sunlight in six months,” Joe Biden admitted in an exclusive interview with The Washington Fancy. “If you look at my arm movements— what little there was — you’d see they were forced and mechanical. That’s because they had been pinned to a concrete bunker’s wall in a contorted position for so long!”
Indeed, upon video review of the speaking engagement, one can see an almost delirious Biden struggling to speak normally and almost stammering. “When I said they ‘want to keep y’all in chains,’ I absolutely misspoke. It had been so long since I had spoken to anyone, let alone a crowd full of excited people, that I was just trying to remember how to properly speak!” he explained with exasperation. “What I meant to say was that if you vote for Barack Obama, he’ll keep me in chains for another four years!”
“There was just nothing we could do to stop the Gaffe Man,” stated former Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, in commenting of the Vice-President. “That’s when we decided to revive the Cheney System.”
The concept of bondage is nothing new to the Vice-President’s office; in fact, it has been a common theme throughout all of US history. John Adams was shackled by President Washington so he could secure a secret negotiation with the French and avert war; former President Ulysses S. Grant famously quipped that “shackling and tormenting your Vice-President was the surest way to ensure their loyalty”; and even George W. Bush reportedly used an an intricate pulley system of whips, chains, and shackles for “stress relief” during the darkest days of the Iraq War to “encourage” him to implement some of his more controversial policy goals.
“He’s sort of like a comical, political version of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs,” said ABC White House correspondent Jake Tapper. “This guy is a walking, talking murderer of political talking points, and to prevent him from doing untold amounts of damage to the administration, they keep him locked away in the bowels of the OEOB [Old Executive Office Building].”
Current Press Secretary Jay Carney willingly confirmed these controversial details. “We only let [Biden] loose when we need him to take the heat off of the administration. It’s brilliant, actually; we keep him shackled down there for months at a time, feed him through the mouth slits in his mask, let his agitation and mania reach critical mass, and then let Joe be Joe when we need to take the heat off of the President.”
From an undisclosed location, former Vice President Cheney told The Washington Fancy that “The secret to being an effective Vice President is scaring the sh*t out of people so much that you make your nominal President look like he’s rational and smart. Back in the Ford Administration, Jimmy and I used to lure Walt [Mondale] down there and play mind games with him until he agreed to follow our policy suggestions – like painting Henry Kissinger as a moderate dove during the supposed ‘October Coup.’”
Nonetheless, with this most recent gaffe — and talk of Obama replacing Biden with Hillary Clinton— the Vice President is not going to be painted as the butt of jokes any longer. When asked if he felt he should be replaced by Clinton, Biden repeated an old controversial talking point of his from 2008; “I believe Hillary Clinton is imminently more qualified to be Vice-President than I. This is a woman who had to endure eight years in the White House with Tipper Gore and over thirty years of marriage to Bill Clinton. If she can endure that, no mortal chains and whips can break her as they have me.”
“Thanks to our harsh efforts over these past four years, we have molded Uncle Joe into a lean, mean, gaffe-producing, media-distracting machine,” stated Obama Campaign adviser David Axelrod rather calmly. “No matter how idiotic President Obama sounds or how radical he may appear, Joe is always there to make the POTUS seem reasoned and erudite – and that’s just how we like it.”
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