HASBRO, Makers of Romney-Ryan 2012 Action Figures, Presents “The Hunger Game”
By Cy Guevara
WASHINGTON – HASBRO released their Romney-Ryan 2012 action figures and stores can’t keep them on the shelves.
Nationwide, shoppers want to buy the remarkably lifelike duo, created by what HASBRO calls “the best minds in robotic science.” The two dolls can wave, walk, and even pretend to write. They’re programmed to repeat buzz words such as “Cut taxes!” “Free market!” and “Jesus!” Best of all, their tiny, robotic arms are guaranteed to scratch your back for years.
The Washington Fancy went straight to HASBRO labs to find out how this presidential pair was created. Senior designer Cha-ching Wu – who bears no relation to the Koch brothers – explained, “We outdid ourselves. We made sure they had the absolute best parts money could buy.”
The skin is lifelike polyurethane, but as Wu explained, “It was essential to capture their look—so important. For Romney we used the Monopoly Man, two walruses, a dash of Mormon and then finished it off with Reagan’s good hair.” Ryan was a bit simpler, Wu contrasted; “We just combined the baby blues of early Frank Sinatra with Pinocchio, then topped him off with a pinch of Eddie Munster. Our female demographic is really responding.”
The fad that began in Wisconsin, when several ladies were restrained after illicit groping of the Paul Ryan dolls lining the shelves, has now gone national. Stores across the nation report their customers are swooning in the aisles. Everyone seems to want to own one of the dolls.
However, ogling from these aisles is as close as most people will get to the dolls. Despite their magnetic appeal, the dolls are prohibitively expensive, built from a composite of Ronald Reagan (the later years), mad money and unobtainium.
TWF asked Wu, Why unobtanium — an ingredient both nonexistent and pricey. Wu maintains that this element is critical to making up this pair’s large “cojones.” As Wu put it, “It’s their balls of unobtanium that allow them to repeat certain words over and over again, without bursting into flames.”
HASBRO marketing strategists believe this and piercing blue eyes to be the deciding factor this season for convincing a critical mass of people to buy plastic dolls that may cost as much as their homes.
In preparation for the Romney-Ryan presidency and additional cuts to social services, food stamps, roads, fire fighters, news and salaries, HASBRO is also releasing the Hunger Game. This board game promises to help people look 20 years younger while providing fun for the whole family. Paul Ryan, a huge fan of HASBRO and fun, said, “Both hungry and obese alike will be delighted once they can fit back in those skinny jeans they had when they were twelve.”
Unlike the presidential dolls, the board game is priced for everyone. It guarantees four to eight years of extreme entertainment, followed by some possibly toxic side effects. Children and anyone who expects to someday have a child are cautioned not to swallow any of the pieces.